Relationships, I suck at them I have ruined every good thing I have had as far as loving relationships go, I have torn down the people that I was supposed to love, to look after and support.
In my last relationship I had everything handed to me on a platter, all I had to do was take my meds, go to counseling and I fucked it up, I alienated my partner and made her not only hate me but fear me, To look back and see the fear in her eyes when I was sick makes me want to take a gun and blow my brains out so that I never have to see pain like that on someone's face again knowing that it was me that caused it. Im not going to kill myself, well I cant catergorically say that as I do have BPD, what I mean is that at this point in time I have the thoughts POP in to my head but I am able to control them and don't want to go and do it. But at other times I know that suicide is wrong, I love life when I am well, but when Im not well I self harm, try to kill myself.
My Dad once said that In my most serious attempt to date of seven attempts (Gassing in a car) that I didn't really want to die as I had parked the car in the bush not far from a road and then turned the hazard lights on. I don't remember this but I do know it was an older car and didn't have a hazard light switch. I honestly belief that I fell forward on the steering wheel and knocked the turn signal on. I guess I will never know as I was clinically dead at that stage, or so I have been told by the staff at the hospital who along with the ambulance staff had to revive me more then once.
Gassing is bad, the CO gets in to the blood, binds chemically with the iron in the hemoglobin and inhibits the ability for the hemoglobin to bind with Oxygen, so no matter how much O2 they pump into you it doesn't actually do much, I was in a coma for 8 days and then in ICU/Special Care for nearly 3 weeks, the pain in my muscles and chest was unreal, I had to learn to walk again from the atrophy (wasting away) in my muscles.
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