Off to Bed

Well it is about 430 and I have taken 2 antihistamine's and am going to try to drown sleep again and to top it all off as I cant sleep I am starting to feel depressed :( but I did a cool wallpaper, show you all later

Cant Sleep and Quitting Durries

Its 4 am I have tried to sleep for the last hour or so to no avail, I have a bad head cold and I feel really bad, both physically and I also feel bad emotionally as I said I would go to church today but I really am feeling so sick and exhausted.

I have just given up cigarettes about 4 weeks ago and when I gave up I got really sick with pneumonia (dictionary.com)

It really scared me there, I was so sick that i went to walk from the house to the shed, less then 5 meters (about 5 yards) and I had to sit down in the shed, it felt like a car was parked on my chest, it was painful and I was really short of breath, thats when i knew I was sick..

The Docs at the Hospital put me on two different broad spectrum antibiotics, I was on a total of 9 tablets a day, not including my normal ones (6-8 a day), and I hate pills but I took every last one of the antibiotics like a good boy, It scared me enough to never go back to smoking cigarettes

Jo-anne and I took the boys to the ward Spring fair, there were games to have a go at and everyone how took part then used the won tickets to purchase fairy floss (cotton candy) popcorn, as well as donated items in a little auction, all donated by the members of the ward. It was a great day but the sun was taking its toll on Blossy, Brodie was having a bad "Aspi" day and I have a head cold, all in all just another "normal" week in our household

I havent posted for a while but now I have a plugin for firefox that lets me post a lot quicker I might actually post a bit more often to all of my blogs.

Blast from the past.

I bought a late 1960's early 1970's Dartronic 415 Oscilliscope on ebay for $19.98 It is a hybrid containg both Valves (tubes) and very early metal can and glass transistors as well as point to point wiring with circuit boards. It's in a very sorry state as it has been sitting on the floor in a shed with no side panels on it and has been exposed to some moisture at some point in its life.

I have not even turned it on, as it contains 5 very large wax paper electrolytic capcitors. These have a tendency to leak and fail over time and 40+ years is certainly enough time for that.

Man it was a nightmare IDing some of the valves. I had to put a lot of them in the freezer as the condensation sticks to the glass better where the ink was, doesnt always work but worth a try. Some of them I had to compare physcially with other valves looking for a match.

As my next door neighbour said to me last night "your in for a world of hurt"


My plan of attack is to try and restore it to working condition to become one of the centre pieces for the old valve workshop I am setting up, all the "modern" stuff will be hidden in cupboards with all vintage valve test equipment out on the bench. I really would like the old valve test gear to be functional not just static display items.

Anyway back to the scope, and a list of things that I need to do, that I already know of, as well as the things I have already done last night.

1. Clean out the "live" bugs, leaves, webs and assorted other things from the shed. (done)

2. Clean off rust and repaint in grey hammer tone (original colour)

3. Identify and replace all the wax paper caps.

4. Resolder all the conections as I have had two wires break off already.

5. Check all the voltage outputs from the transformer and identify the Hight tension (250 volts+) and also the heater filiment voltage which should be 6.3v

6. Check all the voltages at the sockets of the valves with them removed and make sure they are within the range for the valve.

7. ID valves (done)

8. Check all the valves for short circuits (means I will have to build a valve short circuit tester)

9. Get a clear perpex cover made for the sides and top to "show off" the valves

10. Remove and scan front panel ready for painting with silver paint (original coulour) not hammer tone.

11. Have silk screen's made for the red and black writing on the face plate as some of it is fading so I will touch it up in paintshop first.

12. Relabel all the valves as the writing is coming off them.

13. Add white LED to internal chassis to light up the inside (not to much as I want to see the heaters glowing in the valves)

Its going to be a long term project but so far it has all been going pretty well and it appears that only one valve has leaked as all the other ones have nice bright silver "get"

Been real slack

Well it has been a while since I have posted to my blog, been real slack really, I am trying to give up smoking and am not really having much luck with it, my doctor said I cant use the anti smoking drug zyban as I have epilepsy, oh well Ill have to do it with patches then.

I got a bit stressed out the other day and punched the cupboard door, I guess The stopping smoking is hitting me harder then I want to admit.

Blessed

Brodie and Angus were baptised today, I was able to give a talk at the service on Baptism and the Gift of the Holy Ghost, I felt the Holy Ghost, I can testify that I know this is the true church as restored upon this earth, I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God and I know that I can be with my Heavenly Father.

Diva missed you being here for the boys baptism but we know you were here in spirit.

Here is the talk and poem that I read at the service.

Today Angus and Brodie are getting baptized. Angus and Brodie have made "a covenant with Heavenly Father that they are willing to come into His kingdom and keep His commandments, by being baptized, Angus and Brodie have also taken upon themselves the name of Jesus Christ. This means that they "promise to do as the Savior did--to be obedient to the Father and always keep His commandments."(Robert D. Hales) They have also become official members of Jesus' Church, and are now a representative's of the Savior and his Church.

The Narrow Road

Your body lay in water
Cleansed of sins of old
Your Soul to rise a new
Now a member of his fold

Meek and humble to our God
The Holy Ghost in to your heart
Repentance for your sins
Time.. Fresh you start

Gates of heaven open to you
The path is oh so long
The long and narrow path
To the place that you belong

Take the time to kneel in prayer
To have guidance on your way
Our Father speaks to us
If we take the time to pray


When we are baptized, our sins are washed away, and we are made clean. Each of us makes mistakes and we all need the help of the Savior to get clean so we can live with Heavenly Father again. Nephi promised: “I know that if ye shall follow the Son, with full purpose of heart, … with real intent, repenting of your sins, witnessing unto the Father that ye are willing to take upon you the name of Christ, by baptism-yea, by following your Lord and your Savior down into the water, according to his word, behold, then shall ye receive the Holy Ghost” (2 Ne. 31:13). You receive the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands. As you keep the commandments, Heavenly Father promises that the Holy Ghost can be your constant companion, Nephi also says "For behold, again I say unto you that if ye will enter in by the way, and receive the Holy Ghost, it will show unto you all things what ye should do." If you remember your baptismal covenant and listen to the Holy Ghost." The Holy Ghost can guide, warn, protect, and comfort you. In Doctrine and Covenants it says, “The Holy Ghost has not a body of flesh and bones, but is a personage of Spirit. Were it not so, the Holy Ghost could not dwell in us." This allows the Holy Ghost to be a voice inside us but remember that the Holy Ghost can come to you in many ways, as a still small voice, Tingly All Over, Warm Inside, Safety or maybe after you have prayed about something you will just know what is right, you wont know how, you’ll just know. Think of the Holy Ghost as a compass, if you take the time to slow down and hold it still it will guide you, and so with the spirit take the time to slow down with prayer and he will guide you. Remember these things Angus and Brodie, Remember that your family here on earth loves you but most importantly remember that Our Heavenly Father Loves us, and tomorrow, you will receive the greatest gift that anyone has ever given you when you receive the Gift of the Holy Ghost. I know these things to be true; I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only true church as it has been restored on this earth. I would like to leave these things with you in Jesus Christ's name Amen.

Over the last few weeks I have been going back to church, I cant remember If I have said in an earlier post that I was a Latter Day Saint www.lds.org or a Mormon as we are also known. Anyways through the wonderful testimony from a friend of mine Diva in th US of A and the way she lives her life she has helped me to become stronger in my faith and return to The restored Church on this earth. I know that I have big steps to take, and that I have many sins to repent for, but I am finally back on that narrow path and although the progress may be slow at this stage It is at least forward again after so many years.

Pretty skin

My Girlfriend runs a website called sassy sigs n stuff where they make all pretty pictures that they attach to emails etc, I saw this and thought this would be great to marry the two together to make a personal statement, sure beats fuzzy dice and seat covers.

No Spam for dinner

The Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA) has registered the world's first legislative code of practice for internet service providers (ISPs), Dealing with unsolicited email commonly known as spam costs business and home net users millions of dollars a year and it seem's that as one email craze fades out another starts

(Hmm I wonder if I could control my micro remote control car with my viagra enhanced penis)

Under the code, ISPs will have to offer spam filtering options to customers they will also have to impose reasonable limits on the rate at which subscribers can send email, Spammers can face penalties of up to $1 million under another act, the Spam Act, which came into force two years ago.

Nano tech causes hearing loss

Apple is facing lawsuits over the ipod range including the Nano as it causes hearing loss or could cause hearing loss as they produce between 104db and 115db sound levels, see here for a comparison. They have released a patch that lets users set the maximum volume and it even allows parents to lock the volume with a PIN. This should stop the non hacker types, I give it less then a week before a "patch" is around to bypass the PIN protection.

Restless sleep

I had a really restless sleep last night, I was having lots of minor seizures on and off all night and I felt like I had been hit by a truck, well my own fault for not taking my meds at the right times.

New phone

I went in to Harvey Norman in Warragul today and was just looking around, I had thought of buying a new game for the Playstation 2 but ended up putting a deposit down on a new mobile/cell phone. The phone I m getting is called the XPhone and it is from the company O2. Not only is it a mobile phone but it is also a Smartphone running Windows Smartphone Edition 2003.

So with this new phone that I get in about 4 weeks I should be able to do podcasts and Vidcasts :) while I am out and about as well as blog to it

Affairs of the Heart

I guess I am really the last person to be giving relationship advice to anyone, that said this isnt advice at all, when I was a teenager I was involved in helping out with kids with special needs, next to the highschool that i went to was a school targeted at these wonderful kids, while there I made friends with one of the parents of a student, her name was Hazel.

Hazel was a lovely lady from California who had immigrated to Australia, she was always there to help people out if she could and one instance that sticks in my mind is the day we saw the car in front of us slide of the road in the rain. When we spoke to the driver of the car we found out that he had just lost his job, had a new baby and that his car had really bald tyres. So Hazel in her usual compassionate way took him down to the nearest tyre fitter and paid for a set of retreads for his car, and yes there are people like that in this world.

Well back to the story at hand, we fell in love. Now that may not sound like anything until you take in to consideration the following, I was 16 and she was 42 hence why I am never one to judge relationships based on the age diffrence. She was also married and choose to leave her husband to be with me. Now I am not proud that I broke up a marriage for our relationship to contimue but what I do know now in my life was I really was in love with Hazel and I honestly belive we would still be together if she was still alive.

Now this is the heart of the post.

Hazel fell pregenant with my child, She was a diabetic that unknown to her at the time had early stage renal failure, the pregnancy caused her kidneys to fail completely I blamed myself and this in turn required her to abort the pregnancy to save her own life. It was devasting to both of us and it made our relationship that much stronger.

The renal failure resulted in Hazel having Peritoneal Dialysis wikipedia four times a day, this went on for about 2 1/2 years. One day Hazel was out and about and I got a phone call from the hospital informing me that a kidney was ready for transplant and we had 50 minutes to get to the hospital. Now this was before mobile phones, so I started ringing the shopping centres and had them page her while I was getting her daughter organised to take hazel to the hospital. Well we did manage to find her and get to the hospital, the transplant itself went really well and her urine output was really good even before she had woken up from the surgery, but (theres always a but isnt there in these stories) during the operation a blood clot had gone to her brain and she suffered a major stroke resulting in complete paralysis of both sides of her body I blamed myself .

It took 18 months of intense physio but Hazel was progressing to the point that she had been able to come home for a weekend or two and was able to take a few steps unassisted, things seemed to be shaping up. Then one morning at 10:17 I got a phone call from Hazel and just before she hungup she said to me "Dont worry, everything will be ok!", Now you might be asking why I highlighted everything. It is because she knew what was coming next and that is why she didnt say "Dont worry I will be okay" because at 10:39 the doctor rang me to tell me that Hazel had died I blamed myself from a blood clot that had blocked off the blood flow to her lungs. (That day is imprinted in to my mind)

It is only just recently that I have realized that she was right, I shouldnt worry as everthing will be ok and I also now know that I should not blame myself, Hazel fell in love with me, she knew she was pregnant and knew the risks she was facing trying to carry the baby, she made that choice because she loved me and for that reason and that reason only I needed to move on with my life, and it is because she did love me that I need to say to her that I am sorry that it has taken me more then 15 years to do it. Maybe that is why I have had problems in relationships as well as the borderline, I hadnt let Hazel go, I was clinging on instead of respecting her memories, but then when Ive been in relationships that make me feel bad for mentioning someone I loved who had died, they were jealous of her, maybe I gave them a reason to be jealous. Well not any longer. I have moved on. I Dont blame myself as blaming myself is blaming you for loving me and me for loving you.

Hazel I loved you..
Hazel I was in love with you..
Hazel I will always love you..
Hazel You will always be in my Heart..
God bless you..

Blossy's Beast

Yesterday I took Bloss to buy her new car, her old Ford meteor had really reached its use by date as it was getting on in years and it also had had a pretty hard life from the kids, long miles and dirt roads. So last week we went in search of a new car, the requisites where pretty minimal. It had to be a 4 cylinder as fuel is only getting more pricey, it had to be younger then her old car and it needed to be ready to drive away as we didnt have time or faclities to carry out repairs.

We went in to Chris Lieshout Motors to have a look, Chris himself was there to help us out and as I had once been in the used car industry in Queensland I didnt beat around the bush, I said to him that we had a Metor as a trade and that we had AU$2000 cash, we wanted a small sedan/hatchback late 1980's to early 1990's that we could drive away. Well low and behold he took us out the back for a servicing (or is that the cars) and he had a Holden "beep beep" Barina there. Bloss liked it as it was a pretty blue, I liked it as it was in good mechanical condition for its age.

So no mucking around, straight swap with the cash and Bloss is now the proud owner of a New (used) car that we spent the day driving around in.

Training wheels

I have always loved riding motor bikes, but with the balance problems that I have just walking I think that my days of crusing around on two wheels are over (if I am honest with myself) but maybe I can get around on three wheels instead. Over at Gizmag they have an article on a new car/motorcycle that looks cool. Because of its size it is classed as a motorcycle and I would like to go for a few laps in one if I had a spare $80,000. Ahh well maybe one day I will win the lottery.

Anti Viral "virus" causes damage

McAfee released a virus definition file recently (Defintion file 4715) that went on a rampage of users systems and started deleting files that it flagged as a windows virus that first was discovered in 2004. The only problem was that the files that it flagged in fact were not infected with a virus. Programs affected included Excel, Flash and even some Google files, maybe McAfee was upset with Google's decision to include Norton's AV in its essential software pack.

McAfee rushed out a new definition file (4716) but for many of the users that reguarly update the damage was allready done to their machines. Mkaes you wonder at point does a software program become viral itself..

Snakes and ladders

Over at TechEBlog they have an article about a "robotic" snake, it is actually remote controlled so dont know if it is a true robot, although once the mobility package is there autonamy can come later I guess. What makes this snake diffrent from thje previous ones that I have seen is that not only can it do the usual things expected from a robot snake this one, like its real counterparts can swim. There is also a video for you to check out.

Light the way

The street lights around drouin and longwarry need serious work, I was at a major intersection the other night and out of 12 street lights 6 were not working, This in an intersection where cars are travelling at 100kmh and on a dark night they may not see cars that are side on to them and Tbone them. I will have to ring the power company and report them.

Cricket rules the world

I was watching the television show sunrise the other morning and they had a segment on promoting australia overseas, In the clip it showed G. Bush playing cricket and in the segment he was refered to as "The president of the free world" now dont get me wrong, I know that the US is a free nation and that its a big and powerful free nation but that DOES NOT make him the president of the free world, I am australian and also live in a free nation that allthough is an alli to the US it isnt governed by them..

Australian and Proud..

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Surfing the "Block" and Me Myself and I.

I was sitting around this lovely Sunday afternoon not doing anything really constructive, really procrastinating would be a better description. I really have a lot to do not least of which is fix up DIvergence as I went through a stage for a couple of weeks where I was of my tree a lot and was just pasting press releases instead of actually typing something, which is really lame and is going to make my Google standing suck :) not that I have one YET.

So I was looking at all my RSS feeds that I have on my google homepage and was checking out WWDNix, this in turn led me down the rabbit hole so to speak and I went to this blog by a guy called Sean Bonner, which in turn led me to a blog by Tony Pierce where he talks about writers block and blogging. Here's two quote's from his blog article about writers block...

"to me writers block happens when you are afraid to say the things that you want to say. It happens when you self edit yourself before you start writing or while you are writing"

"to me writers block is the devil whispering "you suck, this sucks, you cant write, nobody cares, so and so has said this before and better, bloggings dumb, your blogs dumb, your dumb," and you listen to those whispers as opposed to the siren song of your muse."

This is pretty timely as just last night I said to Bloss I was thinking about my blog, and some of the things I wanted to write but hadn't because I was afraid to put them out there in public because it might make people that I know/knew pissed off or think less of me.

Well I was in two minds about how to proceed with the blog, do I just say that's it and exercise my rights as an adult to express my views and opinions or keep my mouth shut so to speak and just blog about topics that wont rock the boat.

Well thanks to Tony's post I have made a decision and am going to bite the proverbial bullet and post how I feel, I am NOT going to self edit anymore apart from maybe some spelling and grammar. As for the content this isn't an exercise in English it is an exercise in expressing my thoughts and feelings, typos, grammatical errors and all will be there in future If I miss them.

"Don't like it people" No problem see if I care, If I can go and spend AU$20+ on a novel by a reputable author from a large scale publishing house and it has typos in it then my throw together blog of my live is going to be just that. A mismatch of thoughts feelings and desires, it is going to be about me, by me and ultimately this blog isn't for anyone else but me.

So if this blog helps someone else that is a bonus it wasn't the aim when I started writing, the aim was to help me manage my life and for be to grow and develop, and I guess by making this decision I am growing.

"What was that, Get off my high horse.. Sorry Im here to stay this time"

Message Ends.

Fear Factor +5

The other day I wrote this in my Diary as I wasnt ready to blog it, well now I am..

"I feel so lost and afraid right now, I was reading some stuff online about borderline and I suddenly just felt so lost, so scared like a little kid. The fear is so bad it hurts. I am so scared of hurting Joanne and the boys, of making them scared and afraid of me like all the other people in my life that I have cared about. I know that Joanne has told me she is not going in blind but I don't know, she says she will cope and work out ways to deal with this but what if we cant, what if I am just a lost cause that has no meaning in this world we live in. I have read that people that have to live with someone suffering from BPD suffer post traumatic stress disorder after the relationship, I dont want to put anyone else through that, I don't know if I could live with myself If I did that to someone again, I know I always have good intentions at the start, a plan to deal with me when I am not well but it has always fallen apart when it counts the most. I also feel like hurting, using pain to make this all go away, to smash my fist in to my face or break my hand again. To feel complete again. What most people don't understand with BPD is that we don't only get angry all the time but we get EMOTIONAL... We lose focus on the general picture and obsess with a particular facet of the situation, we might cry easily at the movies, or become obsessed with the one we love, we feel guilty, suicidally guilty. It sucks right now I want to hurt so bad and it is taking everything I have to stop my self from smashing my fist or head or something in to the wall. "

Happy Camper

I posted a few weeks ago about my laptop that I brought on Ebay.au and how great it was, well it was until stupid me didn't get all my ad aware, spybot and antivirus stuff running straight away and when I did (read a week or so) my OS was hosed. Now all of those Linux folk out there are going to tell me how great GNU\Linux is and it is when it works.

I looked at a heap of different Linux builds and tried quite a few of them as well but they all suck in some way or another for what I want.

Tried Knoppix, worked great everything worked out of the box except sound :( and when I finally tracked down the information I needed to make noise it worked when it wanted. I would get the sound working after using alsaconf and then after a few minutes using X\KDE it would crash the sound server and nothing I did short of a reboot worked to get it back.

Now call me lazy maybe but I was persistent, I tried tinkering with config files and the such to no avail.

Now don't get me wrong, I am still using some Linux stuff and in server environment's it is great, but then I don't need to have sound working and flashy desktops, Linux in the server\big iron arena for sure, but after spending 2 days playing with Linux in one of its many variants made me want to pull my hair out, on the desktop not yet.

So after a few days of piss farting around with Nix I reinstalled 2k, took me about 10 hours to go from a completely hosed box to one that is setup how I want it including time to look for new software on sourceforge, everything worked out of the box first go, wireless, sound, graphics everything except some shortcut keys but Ill get to that soon and they didnt work in nix.

And after all that I am glad I got hosed as now my laptop is better protected then it was, and I am going to image the HDD soon to make future installs easy. I found a lot of great software over at sourceforge and it is written to work not to be bloated, now I have more functionality then my previous install and it runs faster and I am a happy camper again.....

On a side note reading about Vista TM I am actually interested, it is the Second M$ OS that really makes me want to go and buy it, the first was windows 95 on floppy :) so I will have to wait and see how it turns out at the release and I might be going shopping soon.

Arrgghh

Okay I have had it with spyware and adware and puups and popunders, so I am installing linux on my laptop, I am playing with knoppix at the moment and am doing a harddrive install as we speak.

Black Terror

He sit's... quite, thinking, alone.
The darkness is inside.
Thinking of dark times,
Fear of terror he cant hide.

Sitting, thinking, alone in his mind.
The front he maintains, a thinline.
An image he projects,
Trying to make it fine.

Things that mean the most.
Lost in moments slipped away.
Hidden in that dark place,
His life it starts to fray.

Pain never felt so good,
To escape, to ignore.
That dark terror. Living life,
Whats worth living for.

Black versus white,
a battle fought unseen.
All in his mind its lost,
Fragments of a war thats been.

Fear of that black monster,
Rearing its ugly head.
The one that hates,
The one that wants him dead.

Blood flows in his vein's,
He's spilt it before.
Crimson red it flows,
Drips upon the tiled floor.

Someone's there for him,
A light in the dark.
A guide in a dark life,
A new place to start.

In the past she watched,
Saw him come and go.
Others in his life
But how she loved him so.

Blinded by the dark,
He hasnt seen here there.
Stumbling through his past,
Living without a care.

She walk's in to his life,
Attached by the soul.
A friend here now,
One to fill the hole.

To drag him from the dark,
She wants to ease the pain.
To make it go away,
Is it all in vain ?

Maybe this time,
Different it may be.
No longer is it dark,
Now his mind can see.

Love, Like a flower growing,
Pushing through the weeds.
Her love grows inside,
It knows his need's.

A life of turmoil,
His life stripped to the bone.
His feeling lost again
Emotions he must hone.

He loves his life,
Loves the ones near.
Pours out his heart,
Love tainted with fear.

Fear of the unknown,
The things he cant hold.
Things that complete him,
Things to remove the cold.

That dark, cold life,
Love he lacks..
To see in colour,
Not white and black.

Fear is still strong,
It makes him feel ill.
Fear of hurting again,
He thinks of pain still.

It's not pain his own,
But pain of the other.
His true feeling's,
He has learnt to cover.

He knows she's there,
Her thoughts in his head,
Feels her in the darkness.
Knows he isn't dead.

He lays in the dark,
A mist in his mind.
Thinking of the past
Knowing what he will find.

The lives he's crushed,
The hearts he broke.
Like a magician
He's Gone in smoke.

Now it's time to move on.
Maybe the time is right,
Take the darkness in hand,
Dont give up without a fight.

He knows now she is near,
A guiding light she glow's.
Pulling from darkened tombs,
Lighting the way to go.

The moment passed away
Darkness in his life no more
Well... Not for the moment,
Till it comes and knocks upon his door.

He see's her now,
The darkness lifts away.
Feels the love she has,
The love that makes his day.

He knows to move on,
To speed his alive ahead.
To dwell on the past is wrong,
When he does.. he's dead.

The road is rocky.. Rough,
The path it winds long and hard.
He walks it slowly now,
Always on his guard.

He wants to move on again,
To make living something free.
To move on in life,
He knows the place to be.

$100 Laptop

This idea loks really cool, it is a concept for a US$100 laptop and is aimed at kids, including developing nations, it can even be "wound up" to charge the battery.

From the site

What is the $100 Laptop, really?
The proposed $100 machine will be a Linux-based, with a dual-mode display—both a full-color, transmissive DVD mode, and a second display option that is black and white reflective and sunlight-readable at 3X the resolution. The laptop will have a 500MHz processor and 128MB of DRAM, with 500MB of Flash memory; it will not have a hard disk, but it will have four USB ports. The laptops will have wireless broadband that, among other things, allows them to work as a mesh network; each laptop will be able to talk to its nearest neighbors, creating an ad hoc, local area network. The laptops will use innovative power (including wind-up) and will be able to do most everything except store huge amounts of data.


Ok thats my smoke break finshed back to work on "Dark Terror" my latest poem.

The Book

I have decided to do my book as short stories and prose as that will be easier for me as I have problems getting thoughts in to order, so structuring a complete book in chronological order isn't going to happen. So short stories it is along with my life in prose, and to keep you entertained I am going to blog them as I write, so if you are a regular reader you will get to see them before I get the book together.


Introduction

Usually the first chapter in a book gives you a lead in, something to take by your teeth and shake around, to see if you want to keep reading. I'm not going to do that, I want to get straight in to the story of my life. So who am I ? I'm nobody, well not to the general public, think of that TV show Sienfeild, it was a show about nothing, just everyday events that make you laugh, that make you cry and give you the chance to sit back and say "Yep, that's, me I've done that." However my book isn't in chapters, it isn't a timeline of my life because with the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I have problems putting my life events in order. So instead these will be short stories that reflect my live, not in any order just how they come to me as I am writing.

Many things happened in 1972 and I was one of them, or maybe I was only half of one of them. About the time that John Young & Charles Duke where exploring the Moon on the Apollo 16 mission I was born, along with my other half, my twin brother. I was born 14.5 minutes before my brother who was a breach birth, and I always thought I got out as fast as I did because he was kicking me in the head, to tell me to hurry up and stop procastanating and get out. After that I can only assume that things where pretty good for a while, you know flowers and cards, chocolates to help my mum return to a nice slim figure after the pregnancy, that sort of thing. I was born in Ballarat a town in the state of Victoria in Australia. It is a couple of hours out of Melbourne and its bloody cold. People say that the wind starts and stops in Ballarat.

I guess my first memories in life would have to be when I was about four or five, I mean I get glimpses of my life before that but not real memorable events that make me sit back and reminisce. Most of my early memories are of us living in Papua New Guniea (PNG) a country north of Australia. It is hot there, damn hot, six months of the year hot and dry and six months of the year hot and wet. Now the latter is how I like my woman but not the weather. It was hot but I liked it and unknown to myself at the time it would give me an insight in to other cultures as some of the anecdotes later will show you.

I'm a bit of a rebel, I always have been even as a child getting in to things and making my parent's life pretty tough

Nothing here, Move along

Not much thas been happening latelt, I have ben having small seizures while I am sleeping (from adjusting neds) and am waking up feeling worse then when I went to bed. Bloss is menat to be going to a school thingy this evening but has fallen asleep on the couch, I dont know if I shoukld wake her or not, as she hasnt been sleeping to well lately.

Google did it

I was thinking about these implants and it came to my attention that maybe the borg are actually our very future selves being run by google technology. Resistance is futile, you will googlelated.

Goggle Shop future product release...

The other day google approached Bloss and I to discuss the use of modern technology in communication, it was during this conversation that we were asked to be part, of an alpha test of a future google store product called googllant short for google implant and should be ready for launch via the google store in April of 2010.

So we decided to get them once available based on our frequent bouts of amnesia. So for example the other day Bloss wanted to tell me a poem but couldn't remember the poem or any details of a book or author, as it was told to her.

So based on that we hypothesized that if we had implants in at the moment we could google for it. First though the technology would not store our thoughts at all but would only record sensory data such as touch, smell, taste, vision and auditory and allow indexing.

So back to the hypothetical, Bloss knew the following,

• It was a friend
• The friends name: Karen Smith
• It happened in 1982
• It was in Darwin NT Australia
• It happened at Casuarina Highschool
• It was during School making it a school event
• It was during a class that was boring

So with all the trivial worthless information that we had she still couldnt remember the poem, but if we had a googllant then she could have googgled for it, see nice and easy. So once the technology reaches maturity we will be implanted and run as part of the Alpha test program.

Bad night.

Last night I had one of the worst nights that I have had for quite some time, I was reading some stuff that had been posted on a canadian website about BPD from other people with BPD. All of a sudden I just felt scared and frightened, like a little kid. Not just fearful but really really scared. Then I went through a heap of emotional swings that really wrecked me.

After the fear I started to blame myself for things I have no control over and felt really really guilty, following that was anger at myself, I so wanted to self harm to use the pain as an escape from the roller coaster I was on, but I didnt as hard as it was. Then I broke down in tears and sobbed, like uncontrobble sobbing, the best way to explain the emotions I went through in less then 2 hours is to compare it to the death of a loved one, all the diffrent stages of the grieving process Guilt anger acceptance etc happend one after the other, Bang, Bang, Bang. No wonder I was wrecked.

A lot of people think of people with BPD as just people that get angry,as assholes that dont deserve to be loved by someone and we should all be locked up or in some cases I have even heard someone talking about how all people with mental illness shouls be killed sheez.. heaps of people in history and present where mentally Ill and some of our greatest artists are as well. What they dont realize is that the things that attracted someone to a BPD like companssion and caring, and our love are all the same as our anger, we become really passionate about something, If I love you then I really love you, do something small that hurts me then for those irrational few hours or days the anger kicks in.

I guess in some ways I am like a child, my brain doesnt think like an adults when it comes to emotional control. If your boss pulls you on something you know that you need the job to feed your family so you bite your lip, or argue your point constructivly, I dont I just lose it, then later I go through enourmous guilt for losing the job, and anger at myself. It sucks big time..

It is really lovely here today, I am outside enjoying the wind and sun as I type on the laptop listening to music. :)

Then when I went to bed about 0100 I couldnt sleep at all, thoughts rushing through my head, like a floodgate of emotion, so in the end I had to get up and watch TV, music and rain effects just didnt cut it in getting rid of/masking my thoughts so I took another Olanzapine and watched TV for a while before falling asleep.

Bloss woke me up this morning to take my meds, she is going to help me to develop a routine to take my meds I am so hopless with med compliance.

Anyway for regular readers of my blog here is a snippit from my book it is part of the introduction.

On the border.

A black and white look at my life
with borderline personality disorder.

Many things happened in 1972 and I was one of them, or maybe I was only half of one of them. About the time that John Young & Charles Duke where exploring the Moon on the Apollo 16 mission I was born, along with my other half, my twin brother. I was born 14.5 minutes before my brother who was a breach birth, and I always thought I got out as fast as I did because he was kicking me in the head, to tell me to hurry up and stop procastanating and get out. After that I can only assume that things where pretty good for a while, you know flowers and cards, chocolates to help my mum return to a nice slim figure after the pregnancy, that sort of thing....

On that note Im going to go back to working on my book now so Ill leave you for now

Cheers :)

One, Two, Three, Floor

Last Sunday night I brought a bottle of Monte Alban Mezacl to celebrate Blossy's Birthday. It was her first venture in to Mexican spirits but she did well consuming to shots of 40% mezcal in about 4 minutes, it made her feel all nice and warm...

Been working.

Been hard at work today, working on some new poetry. Well hard means thinking a lot, thinking of words and feelings, thinking of those times in my life that make me feel emotional and then expressing them. As for my current projects, blogging aside, I am working on 3 poems and am also working on an autobiography with a working title named after this blog. Stay tuned same bat channel...

Mortal Sin.

As the day slips slowly by,
I feel colder now.
The sun is low, days end,
I sit and wonder how.

Warm tears flow upon my cheek,
The darkness closes in.
My body feels oh so weak,
Is love a mortal sin ?

My heart beats slower still,
The pillow wet with pain.
For I have lost the will,
Wonder if my lifes in vain.

Life is short, The moment long,
The feelings hurt me so.
Love is hard, is it wrong ?
I know not where to go.

My heart is torn within my chest,
Torn from love, From life.
Tired now I must rest,
Cry for one who will be my wife.


The love is tru, I know that well,
I cry myself to sleep.
Hiding now... inside my shell,
The world to see me weep.

The love I have will be there,
Even if alone we are.
True to you I will always care,
Admire form afar.

Damn Hot

Im sitting on the lounge with my laptop, it is 0130 and I am hot, the sweat is running off me yet today wasnt really a hot day, dont feel like sleeping, again . Oh well thats life.

My Salvation

I recently brought a laptop on ebay instead of a PDA. I wanted something I could take with me and that could meet my demands which were not really that high and I like a big screen and real keyboard, for quick stuff I use my NGage smart phone.

I want it to take to hospital and stuff so I can have music, movies, my diary (this blog and a private one) and just every the things I needed to cope in life.

Ok so what did I need it to do and what did I want it to do.

Need's

• Work, everything needed to work and it had to look tidy
• CD Rom
• Larger screen the better min 14.1"
• USB makes upgrades cheaper, like external harddrives
• Surf Net
• Email via Gmail
• Play Music
• VOIP single conversation no conference calls
• Blogging
• Word processing.

Not a huge demand so far and now the..

Wants

• xVID
• CD Burning
• Games
• LAN
• Modem
• DVD

So I brought a Compaq armada on Ebay.au for $169 plus postage so about AU$180 with regular postage. It had 32MB on board and a32 MB stick, out went the 32 and in went a RAM upgrade from Memex who i would reccomend for RAM requirements in australia. It was 1 x 128 MB SODIMM 144pin and cost AU$93 with express postage. Added a blutooth dongle that cost AU$26 with express postage as well. I dont like waiting.

So for a grand total of less then AU$300 I have a laptop that I can do the following with.

• Email with Gmail
• Net Surfing
• Music
• Audio with Bluetooth
• 14.1 screen
• The battery holds charge
• Blogging
• VOIP

Yes does what I want it to needs a few more things like carry bag, USB hub and USB external harddrive at least 20 gig for my portable storage.

Now my list of essential software

Im running the following on Windows 2000 as it is similar to XP and stable and is lighter for my older laptop.

• WIN 2K (commercial with licence)
  
• Gmail for my email (free)
  
• Google Desktop Side Bar(free)
  
• Google talk for VOIP (free)
  
• STP a really light and powerful MP3 player (free)
  
• HTTrack to cache webcont for offline browsing (free)
  
• Atmosphere Lite to play bird and water noises to help me sleep (free)
• w.blogger for offline blogging (free)
• Mozilla Firefox for browsing (free)
• Hot Keyboard and sound control to get my hotkeys working (free)
• xVID for movies (free)

Current Specs.
Computer Type: LapTop
Make: Compaq
Model: Armada 1700 6300/T/5000/D/M/3
CPU: Single Intel Pentium(r) II; 300 MHz
Hard Disk Drive: IBM 3.2 GB; EIDE
Video Adapter: Chips and Technology, Inc. C&T 65555
Floppy Type 120 MB Superdrive
OnboardD RAM: 32 MB
1st RAM slot: 128 MB
Total RAM: 160 MB
Screen: 14.1" 1024 x 768
Network: Roamabout 80211.b wireless
Audio: Bluetooth Audio with Motorola Headset
OS: Windows 2000 SP3
Browser: Mozilla Firefox

Ohhhhhhh.....

I saw this video and in the first 30 seconds I thought "I would sell an organ for one of these, maybe even one testicle." Then as I watched some more I thought "WOW Minority Report," actually I didnt think I was vocal by then, and then as I saw how this is going to change the world of computing as we know it I died and went to geek heaven. If you like computers and use them in anyway at all then the future is at hand.....

Memory in remission

I've been thinking a lot lately and not so much about the current state of affairs, although some of the things I have done as a result of those thoughts have changed the way I think of things today.

I thought of some time I spent as a teenager with my Grandfather (Opa as he is dutch). When I was about 13 Opa built my brother and I bikes for christmas. They where 10 speed racers and he stripped them down to the frame and sanded, repainted, decaled, replaced, repaired, overhauled and just plain poured his heart in to those bikes. I would go over and help him on the weekend and after school.

At the time kids at my school teased us over them as we hadn't got "new" bikes for christmas, well during my time thinking I realized just how much the time I spent with Opa meant to me and how much it must have meant to him, but not once had I ever told him how much I appreciated that time together. Now Opa is still alive as is Oma (my Grandmother) but she is very unwell as she has dementia and requires constant care from Opa now, but he has the attitude that he married for life and there is no way he is going to leave her now, he was there for the good and hell be there for the bad.

...Anyway where was I ? ahh yep the time I spent with Opa building bikes, I really appreciated it and it meant a lot to me, so I was thinking about it and it struck me if it is making me feel good thinking about it and helping me forget the harder things in life then it might be good for him, so I rang him, and it did.

I could hear it in his voice it did mean a lot to him. I was a bit worried about ringing him at first as he is getting older and his english is not very good (and I don't speak dutch) and I thought he may not follow what I was on about, but he did and I made his day. I told him how I had been thinking about the bikes and how the other kids teased us, but although at the time I didn't say thankyou, well not with heart and conviction, that the time together really did mean a lot. He said to me "Thankyou, Its never to late, is it !" and he was right it is never to late, and it made me think of something else, you cant take your family for granted. But that's a subject for another post.

Round, Round, Round....

As I was walking through the narrow gap behind the chair Brodie was sitting on he stood up and ran in to me, not on purpose but it caused my back to pop out at L4 (I had a motorcycle accident 12 years or so ago and injured it pretty bad) . It popped back in but has streched muscles and ligaments so i am in pain at the moment so not much blogging tonight Im afraid.

Take THE test...

So where do you rate on the most important of test's ? The Nerd/Geek Test !

Digital Divide

I was asked by my psych the other day as to why my relationship (read friendship) with Bloss had survived for so long when other friendships and romantic relationships have failed, at the time I didnt really have an answer to that question. Well after some serious thought on the subject I have come up with the following.

1. We both don't like to talk much about our problems and bottle them up inside
2. We both like technology and use it in oour day to day lives to aid in our lack of verbal communication.
3. If we need to go and "hide" from life for awhile we respect that and leave each other alone.
4. If one of us needs to talk we know that regardless of the time of day we can pick up the phone, email, IM or if all that fails I could, might, maybe, wont go in to actually talk face to face...
5. Bloss understands why I cant work full time in a "regular" job and like me sees volunteer work as important. She also see's the work I do online as functional and meaningful not just a waste of time.
6. Maybe it is that "Mother Thing" you know how they say males are attracted to people that remind them of mum (mom for my American friends..You know who you are.) as my mum also has P (for a definition of P see STDarnI )

Most importantly I think you can sum all of the above six points in to four words "We are both Geeks." For example when I suggested to one of my ex partners that we install a computer in the kitchen so we can google for receipes she thought I was joking, I suggest it to Bloss and she wants to know when we can install it. If I take my laptop in to the bathroom to listen to music and blog while I soak in the tub she sees it as "normal" (term used loosely.)

(smoke break).....

So thats maybe some of the reasons why Bloss and I get on so well or not, I guess I will never really know the underlying reason, but I know I see Bloss as my best friend and know she will be there for me and me for her.

42...

Life the universe and everything.. Some say the answer is 42, that all mighty powerful number, I think it is music, it makes us feel happy, sad, lonely, in love and just about any other emotion you can poke a pointy stick at. Im listening to R&B and Blues at the moment and ir helps to make me feel better knowing that there are others out there with pain in their hearts and souls.

Music is such a powerful medium but if you take it a step back and deal with words alone you end up with poetry or prose. I love to write and over the coming few weeks I will post some of my work here. Some of it is moving, some streches the boundary. All of it is my own work, a snapshot of my life in words. The only time I really write poetry is when I am sick, it seems to open the floodgates and out it comes.

Insomniacs don't bang your head against the wall..

Bang your head to some music instead...

I couldn't sleep the other night, well actually I have been having problems sleeping a lot lately. I hate taking meds at the best of times so I try to avoid the ones that I don't need to function like pain killers and sleeping tablets if I can. So on that premise I went looking for some other ways to fall asleep. I came across using white noise to fall asleep so I went hunting for some software that I could use. I came across one called Atmosphere Lite from Relaxing software . It lets you start with a base background sound like wind, rain or waves and then add random sounds of birds and other stuff over the top. It seems to be helping so Ill let you know over the next few weeks how it is working for me.

The other thing that I like to do is listen to music so I went hunting for sites where I could download free LEGAL mp3's. I was working on the assumption that there has to be good music that appeals to me that doesn't come from the HIgh Profile American Marketing Machines (HIPAMM) and after a few hours hunting around I found two sites that appealed to me.

The first is epitonic.com and seems pretty good and the second one is Garageband which after a bit of poking around comes out on top with its ease of use. As for the music ? Not bad, not bad at all. Some of the stuff is not to my taste, even though I am eclectic in my audio taste some things just grind me the wrong way. Especially those ones filed under the genre of "Noise." Need I say more !

Putting those songs aside as you find them in little dark record stores the open on to dark foreboding alleys as well as online some of the stuff is really good and is opening up the range of music I listen to. Who knows maybe one day some of these artists will be mainstream and I will be able to say "Hey I was listening to them x years ago."

Just listening to the news One million dollars is to be injected in to mental health in Australia to increase doctors and the like (about fucken time the politician got of their ass.)

Psych review over..

Went and saw the Psych doc at the hospital yesterday afternoon and he was really goog, I ended up taking my laptop with me and he did take the time to read my blog. He said that it was obvious that I wasnt stupid and that keeping this blog was a good idea and that I should use it as a tool in my ongoing mission to get through BPD.

He also told me that the drug Olanzapine is good for the control of anger short term and that I should carry some with me at all times and if a friend or loved one that knows me says "Hey Mark calm down a bit.." or something similar that I shouldnt argue with them but should take one and go and chill for a while. So when I got home I put some olanzapine wafers in my wallet so that I will have them with me. I seem to carry more prescription drugs in my wallet then money, I also have tablets to stop me from throwing up when my balance is playing up.

He was telling me that some of the BPD episodes may be related to my epilepsy firing in parts of the brain that control emotion etc so it may not just be a psych disorder in me but epilepsy related as well.

One thing he did say that made me think of BPD in a diffrent light was some of the statistics relating to BPD. For instance the mortality rate (sucessful suicide) is up around the 10-15% mark. Now this might not sound like much but when you compare it to breast cancer with a mortality rate of around 2% you realize it is a pretty high number. Now if only they would spend the same time and money on research in to treatment for it as they do for breast cancer.

How Many People Have Borderline Personality Disorder? (emaxhealth)

It is estimated to affect two to three percent of the general population, ten percent of patients seen in outpatient clinics and as many as twenty percent of hospitalized psychiatric patients. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts. There is a ten percent mortality rate in people with this disorder (i.e., suicide). BPD worsens the outcome and complicates the treatment of any other disorder such as Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Eating Disorders, and Substance Abuse Disorder. BPD is difficult to diagnose and is often misdiagnosed as Depression, Bipolar Disorder or Anti-social Personality Disorder. As a consequence, persons with BPD are difficult to treat and often frustrate clinicians.

(Kids are fighting again.... blah blah blah.... bitch, bitch, bitch and one is in the bathroom and they are yelling through the door at each other)

Lifes a bitch

Man I feel like shit, depressed a bit, still got that empty hollow feeling I was talking about. Earlier I was suffering what I refer to as sensory overload, I get to the point sometimes where I feel like everything is building up, things touching me feel painful especially movement, I become intolerant of noise and light. So I went and hid in my room layed naked in my bed with the curtains closed and an old mistral fan I have on high so that the noise of the fan blocks out the kids fighting, still told them to can it a couple of times.... I hate this feeling. It has got to the point now where I am feeling sick to my stomach as well.

That tangled web we weave (spoiler Suicide discussion)

Relationships, I suck at them I have ruined every good thing I have had as far as loving relationships go, I have torn down the people that I was supposed to love, to look after and support.

In my last relationship I had everything handed to me on a platter, all I had to do was take my meds, go to counseling and I fucked it up, I alienated my partner and made her not only hate me but fear me, To look back and see the fear in her eyes when I was sick makes me want to take a gun and blow my brains out so that I never have to see pain like that on someone's face again knowing that it was me that caused it. Im not going to kill myself, well I cant catergorically say that as I do have BPD, what I mean is that at this point in time I have the thoughts POP in to my head but I am able to control them and don't want to go and do it. But at other times I know that suicide is wrong, I love life when I am well, but when Im not well I self harm, try to kill myself.

My Dad once said that In my most serious attempt to date of seven attempts (Gassing in a car) that I didn't really want to die as I had parked the car in the bush not far from a road and then turned the hazard lights on. I don't remember this but I do know it was an older car and didn't have a hazard light switch. I honestly belief that I fell forward on the steering wheel and knocked the turn signal on. I guess I will never know as I was clinically dead at that stage, or so I have been told by the staff at the hospital who along with the ambulance staff had to revive me more then once.

Gassing is bad, the CO gets in to the blood, binds chemically with the iron in the hemoglobin and inhibits the ability for the hemoglobin to bind with Oxygen, so no matter how much O2 they pump into you it doesn't actually do much, I was in a coma for 8 days and then in ICU/Special Care for nearly 3 weeks, the pain in my muscles and chest was unreal, I had to learn to walk again from the atrophy (wasting away) in my muscles.

That house of cards

A change is as good as a holiday. Well for most people it is but at the end of my day I think I have realized that a change isn't that good.

Routine, Routine, Routine... Almost as good as Location, Location, Location.. "So Sir, Would you like to buy this lovely outdoor deck located on the Sydney harbour bridge ? The view is great.."

Well when it comes to borderline it is, that's routine, not buying a bridge or so they say over at borderlinepersonality.ca anyway here is a bit from the page

"Learning to implement structure into your thoughts, actions and words is the bridge that those with BPD must cross in order to relate to others in healthy and meaningful ways in their adult lives. Ways that build instead of ways that tear down." (A.J. Mahari, August 9, 2001)

It is a good read made me sit back and have a think for a few seconds, so if your interested head over there and have a look.

Aghh those bloody flies are buzzing around, killed 4 in the last couple of minutes.

Man I feel so I don't know.... Vague, lost, empty, hollow cant the right word to describe the feeling I have, it is sort of this hollow empty feeling that started in the pit of my stomach a few minutes ago and then proceeded to jump up in to my head and rip my soul out and shit all over it. Sort of reminds me of the "Simpsons" episode where Bart sells his soul to millhouse and then the automatic doors at the quickiemart wont open.

Maybe I should ask my Phych tommorow if they have Internet and send them to this blog to read about me, I hate talking about it so this might be better, or I could just cache the site to the laptop and take it with me ? anyway where was I... Ahh thats right Routine.

Maybe I need to change my routine, set up a schedule for me to follow during the day, Map out my life but it all seems like to much hard work, I like being varied sometimes, it opens up my life experiances. It makes me feel more complete to be able to understand something. I may not be able to debate a topic well enough to convert someone or even be able to explain a concept that I understand, but that isnt what this is about, it is about me understanding it, if you want to read it your self, you may need more/less background to understand the same topic. My aim is to intrest people in something and create a drive for them to follow it up themselves not to educate them.

So much for routine, the way this post jumps around even I have trouble following it....

SIgh A bloody NORA

Pop goes the weasel !!

Taking pills, and I dont mean anything brought from a sleazy looking man wearing cargo pants and a beanie at some late/all night rave with kids dying from speed induced dehydration pills, i mean men in white coats and PHds on the walls and dusty books on the shelves with pictures of their kids on the desk next to the prescription pad pills.

Well I have a real problem taking them, not because I dont want to take them, Its just that I forget or I feel good as far as the BPD goes so i stop. They make me feel tired, they make me feel sick sometimes and they sure as hell stop me from getting it up maybe I need one of these :( so go figure why I end up not taking them.

Anyway here is some info on people with BPD and medication issues

Psychotropic medication may be useful for individuals with BPD depending on presenting symptoms. However, over time, medication often proves less than helpful as personality issues confound the medication issues. Problems in medicating BPD include non-compliance, demands for frequent changes in the dose or type of medication, overdosing, and failure to accurately report change, e.g., reporting feeling worse when apparently doing better (Sperry, 1995, p. 75).

The BPD propensity for alcohol and drug abuse and addictive behavior is also a concern in using medication. Alcohol and others drugs can potentiate prescribed medication and heighten chances for an accidental overdose. Or individuals with BPD may decide to use prescribed medications in combination with alcohol and other drugs to attempt suicide (Layden, 1993, pp. 111-112).

From the cereal box to the coffin

It really pisses me off the number of people that appear to have recieved a drivers licence from a cereal box, today I was going along a road with a speed limit of 1oo kilometers an hour about 60 miles an hour and I was taking it easy and just crusing along at 80 clicks. It was an open dual lane road with ample space to overtake so I wasnt holding anyone up.

Amazinly the number of people that overtook me that would fly up at 100 get right on my ass then shoot out around me with no indication from the turn signals. The ones that did use thier turn signals would do so after they had started to move out around me, and it wasnt like they needed to get around to beat an oncoming car as the traffic coming the other way was really low read 2 cars on the whole trip but such is life all I can do is hope that they dont kill me or my loved ones when they take themselves out.

Cool site to kill time

I cant sleep so im laying in bed on the laptop, its 0256 or it least I think it is as I removed all signs of conventional clocks in my room and on my laptop and have immersed myself with binary digital clocks (wikipedia) nothing like learning something by immersion.. the binary wrist watch (thinkgeek) is next.

Anyway enough of my mindless ravings I found this cool site to kill a bit of time www.glassgiant.com and I made a few things as well.. I was to cold to do it my self on the gimp (Laptop is only a PII 300 with 3 gig hdd and 64mb ram running win 2k pro "Hey it only cost me AU$160 so shut the fuck up and pull your head in") and it was to cold to go to the desktop so lets use online tools. :)

But on the subject of the gimp I did a self portrait the other day and I may as well post that as well while I am awake so here it is. Click on the image to see it full size

I know it isn't the best has some compression artifact's etc but it is my first attempt at something like this so I see it as a learning experience and I like it.

"Just a Geek" and his blog

Okay I am a bit of a "Geek" and as I told my nephew yesterday "Its cool to be a Geek these days" as he gives me that yeah right look, and it is so I am proud to be one, well the other thing that really got my attention yesterday is the blog WWdn:in exile.

It is the blog of Wil Wheaton (wikipedia) who played Wesley Crusher in Startrek, and it is really friggin good, like blew me away good. I was so wrapped up in it that I spent over seven hours reading through the archives and having a good look around and that took me through until 02:30. At that point my eyes where to tired to keep reading my laptop screen so I layed back in bed and listened to Radio Free Burrito which is Wil's podcast.

Then today when I woke up I was back at WWdn:ix and was just hooked again, it is now midnightish and I have spent the better part of the day browsing both Wils stuff and stuff he reccomends from music to books, all fucken A. (his blog actually motivated me to start this one thnx Wil)

His postings have made me have a good look around and motivated me to go and buy his book "Just a Geek" and I haven't even read an excerpt yet.

See this is the BPD I get hooked on something and read/research it until I am suffering brain overload read goo coming out of my ears, like this post has taken me over an hour so far because as I cruise around to get the links to put in I get distracted by the content and end up reading some more.

So if your a "Geek" or just didnt subscibe to alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die (Google archive) then his blog and podcast and I venture to say books (as i havent read them yet) look really good.

Welcome to On the border

Where to start, I guess with a warning.. (cue dark seedy music)

Borderline by its very definition (Wikipedia) makes me go through all sorts of weird thoughts and moods which often results in me splitting or seeing the world in black and white.

For example say I had just spent the last 3 weeks working my ass of to meet a deadline at work and finally managed to pull it off, most people at the office think that my project is pretty good and give me praise for the "job well done."

Then some asswipe form accounting who has no idea of what it is I have really just done thinks that something doesn't look right in the reports presentation (forget the content he doesn't understand it) and tells me so. Mannnn... look out I "forget" all about the good comments and praise that the other 50+ people have given me and am now centered on that little asswipes comments.

Not am I only centered on his comments I want to kill him, to string him up by his balls and kill the fucker. "Why ?" Who knows ? I don't, I just "spilt" and that's it all rational prospective goes out the window.

Now this will most likely add some interest to my blog as well as the fact that as I get bored with something very quickly I swap and change around a lot so be forewarned that the subject material may be disjointed and seem to jump around, this is normal for me and is part of my live. So if you want to understand about BPD keep reading...