Bad night.

Last night I had one of the worst nights that I have had for quite some time, I was reading some stuff that had been posted on a canadian website about BPD from other people with BPD. All of a sudden I just felt scared and frightened, like a little kid. Not just fearful but really really scared. Then I went through a heap of emotional swings that really wrecked me.

After the fear I started to blame myself for things I have no control over and felt really really guilty, following that was anger at myself, I so wanted to self harm to use the pain as an escape from the roller coaster I was on, but I didnt as hard as it was. Then I broke down in tears and sobbed, like uncontrobble sobbing, the best way to explain the emotions I went through in less then 2 hours is to compare it to the death of a loved one, all the diffrent stages of the grieving process Guilt anger acceptance etc happend one after the other, Bang, Bang, Bang. No wonder I was wrecked.

A lot of people think of people with BPD as just people that get angry,as assholes that dont deserve to be loved by someone and we should all be locked up or in some cases I have even heard someone talking about how all people with mental illness shouls be killed sheez.. heaps of people in history and present where mentally Ill and some of our greatest artists are as well. What they dont realize is that the things that attracted someone to a BPD like companssion and caring, and our love are all the same as our anger, we become really passionate about something, If I love you then I really love you, do something small that hurts me then for those irrational few hours or days the anger kicks in.

I guess in some ways I am like a child, my brain doesnt think like an adults when it comes to emotional control. If your boss pulls you on something you know that you need the job to feed your family so you bite your lip, or argue your point constructivly, I dont I just lose it, then later I go through enourmous guilt for losing the job, and anger at myself. It sucks big time..

It is really lovely here today, I am outside enjoying the wind and sun as I type on the laptop listening to music. :)

Then when I went to bed about 0100 I couldnt sleep at all, thoughts rushing through my head, like a floodgate of emotion, so in the end I had to get up and watch TV, music and rain effects just didnt cut it in getting rid of/masking my thoughts so I took another Olanzapine and watched TV for a while before falling asleep.

Bloss woke me up this morning to take my meds, she is going to help me to develop a routine to take my meds I am so hopless with med compliance.

Anyway for regular readers of my blog here is a snippit from my book it is part of the introduction.

On the border.

A black and white look at my life
with borderline personality disorder.

Many things happened in 1972 and I was one of them, or maybe I was only half of one of them. About the time that John Young & Charles Duke where exploring the Moon on the Apollo 16 mission I was born, along with my other half, my twin brother. I was born 14.5 minutes before my brother who was a breach birth, and I always thought I got out as fast as I did because he was kicking me in the head, to tell me to hurry up and stop procastanating and get out. After that I can only assume that things where pretty good for a while, you know flowers and cards, chocolates to help my mum return to a nice slim figure after the pregnancy, that sort of thing....

On that note Im going to go back to working on my book now so Ill leave you for now

Cheers :)