Fear Factor +5

The other day I wrote this in my Diary as I wasnt ready to blog it, well now I am..

"I feel so lost and afraid right now, I was reading some stuff online about borderline and I suddenly just felt so lost, so scared like a little kid. The fear is so bad it hurts. I am so scared of hurting Joanne and the boys, of making them scared and afraid of me like all the other people in my life that I have cared about. I know that Joanne has told me she is not going in blind but I don't know, she says she will cope and work out ways to deal with this but what if we cant, what if I am just a lost cause that has no meaning in this world we live in. I have read that people that have to live with someone suffering from BPD suffer post traumatic stress disorder after the relationship, I dont want to put anyone else through that, I don't know if I could live with myself If I did that to someone again, I know I always have good intentions at the start, a plan to deal with me when I am not well but it has always fallen apart when it counts the most. I also feel like hurting, using pain to make this all go away, to smash my fist in to my face or break my hand again. To feel complete again. What most people don't understand with BPD is that we don't only get angry all the time but we get EMOTIONAL... We lose focus on the general picture and obsess with a particular facet of the situation, we might cry easily at the movies, or become obsessed with the one we love, we feel guilty, suicidally guilty. It sucks right now I want to hurt so bad and it is taking everything I have to stop my self from smashing my fist or head or something in to the wall. "