He sit's... quite, thinking, alone.
The darkness is inside.
Thinking of dark times,
Fear of terror he cant hide.
Sitting, thinking, alone in his mind.
The front he maintains, a thinline.
An image he projects,
Trying to make it fine.
Things that mean the most.
Lost in moments slipped away.
Hidden in that dark place,
His life it starts to fray.
Pain never felt so good,
To escape, to ignore.
That dark terror. Living life,
Whats worth living for.
Black versus white,
a battle fought unseen.
All in his mind its lost,
Fragments of a war thats been.
Fear of that black monster,
Rearing its ugly head.
The one that hates,
The one that wants him dead.
Blood flows in his vein's,
He's spilt it before.
Crimson red it flows,
Drips upon the tiled floor.
Someone's there for him,
A light in the dark.
A guide in a dark life,
A new place to start.
In the past she watched,
Saw him come and go.
Others in his life
But how she loved him so.
Blinded by the dark,
He hasnt seen here there.
Stumbling through his past,
Living without a care.
She walk's in to his life,
Attached by the soul.
A friend here now,
One to fill the hole.
To drag him from the dark,
She wants to ease the pain.
To make it go away,
Is it all in vain ?
Maybe this time,
Different it may be.
No longer is it dark,
Now his mind can see.
Love, Like a flower growing,
Pushing through the weeds.
Her love grows inside,
It knows his need's.
A life of turmoil,
His life stripped to the bone.
His feeling lost again
Emotions he must hone.
He loves his life,
Loves the ones near.
Pours out his heart,
Love tainted with fear.
Fear of the unknown,
The things he cant hold.
Things that complete him,
Things to remove the cold.
That dark, cold life,
Love he lacks..
To see in colour,
Not white and black.
Fear is still strong,
It makes him feel ill.
Fear of hurting again,
He thinks of pain still.
It's not pain his own,
But pain of the other.
His true feeling's,
He has learnt to cover.
He knows she's there,
Her thoughts in his head,
Feels her in the darkness.
Knows he isn't dead.
He lays in the dark,
A mist in his mind.
Thinking of the past
Knowing what he will find.
The lives he's crushed,
The hearts he broke.
Like a magician
He's Gone in smoke.
Now it's time to move on.
Maybe the time is right,
Take the darkness in hand,
Dont give up without a fight.
He knows now she is near,
A guiding light she glow's.
Pulling from darkened tombs,
Lighting the way to go.
The moment passed away
Darkness in his life no more
Well... Not for the moment,
Till it comes and knocks upon his door.
He see's her now,
The darkness lifts away.
Feels the love she has,
The love that makes his day.
He knows to move on,
To speed his alive ahead.
To dwell on the past is wrong,
When he does.. he's dead.
The road is rocky.. Rough,
The path it winds long and hard.
He walks it slowly now,
Always on his guard.
He wants to move on again,
To make living something free.
To move on in life,
He knows the place to be.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
$100 Laptop
This idea loks really cool, it is a concept for a US$100 laptop and is aimed at kids, including developing nations, it can even be "wound up" to charge the battery.
From the site
What is the $100 Laptop, really?
The proposed $100 machine will be a Linux-based, with a dual-mode display—both a full-color, transmissive DVD mode, and a second display option that is black and white reflective and sunlight-readable at 3X the resolution. The laptop will have a 500MHz processor and 128MB of DRAM, with 500MB of Flash memory; it will not have a hard disk, but it will have four USB ports. The laptops will have wireless broadband that, among other things, allows them to work as a mesh network; each laptop will be able to talk to its nearest neighbors, creating an ad hoc, local area network. The laptops will use innovative power (including wind-up) and will be able to do most everything except store huge amounts of data.
Ok thats my smoke break finshed back to work on "Dark Terror" my latest poem.
From the site
What is the $100 Laptop, really?
The proposed $100 machine will be a Linux-based, with a dual-mode display—both a full-color, transmissive DVD mode, and a second display option that is black and white reflective and sunlight-readable at 3X the resolution. The laptop will have a 500MHz processor and 128MB of DRAM, with 500MB of Flash memory; it will not have a hard disk, but it will have four USB ports. The laptops will have wireless broadband that, among other things, allows them to work as a mesh network; each laptop will be able to talk to its nearest neighbors, creating an ad hoc, local area network. The laptops will use innovative power (including wind-up) and will be able to do most everything except store huge amounts of data.
Ok thats my smoke break finshed back to work on "Dark Terror" my latest poem.
The Book
I have decided to do my book as short stories and prose as that will be easier for me as I have problems getting thoughts in to order, so structuring a complete book in chronological order isn't going to happen. So short stories it is along with my life in prose, and to keep you entertained I am going to blog them as I write, so if you are a regular reader you will get to see them before I get the book together.
Introduction
Usually the first chapter in a book gives you a lead in, something to take by your teeth and shake around, to see if you want to keep reading. I'm not going to do that, I want to get straight in to the story of my life. So who am I ? I'm nobody, well not to the general public, think of that TV show Sienfeild, it was a show about nothing, just everyday events that make you laugh, that make you cry and give you the chance to sit back and say "Yep, that's, me I've done that." However my book isn't in chapters, it isn't a timeline of my life because with the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I have problems putting my life events in order. So instead these will be short stories that reflect my live, not in any order just how they come to me as I am writing.
Many things happened in 1972 and I was one of them, or maybe I was only half of one of them. About the time that John Young & Charles Duke where exploring the Moon on the Apollo 16 mission I was born, along with my other half, my twin brother. I was born 14.5 minutes before my brother who was a breach birth, and I always thought I got out as fast as I did because he was kicking me in the head, to tell me to hurry up and stop procastanating and get out. After that I can only assume that things where pretty good for a while, you know flowers and cards, chocolates to help my mum return to a nice slim figure after the pregnancy, that sort of thing. I was born in Ballarat a town in the state of Victoria in Australia. It is a couple of hours out of Melbourne and its bloody cold. People say that the wind starts and stops in Ballarat.
I guess my first memories in life would have to be when I was about four or five, I mean I get glimpses of my life before that but not real memorable events that make me sit back and reminisce. Most of my early memories are of us living in Papua New Guniea (PNG) a country north of Australia. It is hot there, damn hot, six months of the year hot and dry and six months of the year hot and wet. Now the latter is how I like my woman but not the weather. It was hot but I liked it and unknown to myself at the time it would give me an insight in to other cultures as some of the anecdotes later will show you.
I'm a bit of a rebel, I always have been even as a child getting in to things and making my parent's life pretty tough
Introduction
Usually the first chapter in a book gives you a lead in, something to take by your teeth and shake around, to see if you want to keep reading. I'm not going to do that, I want to get straight in to the story of my life. So who am I ? I'm nobody, well not to the general public, think of that TV show Sienfeild, it was a show about nothing, just everyday events that make you laugh, that make you cry and give you the chance to sit back and say "Yep, that's, me I've done that." However my book isn't in chapters, it isn't a timeline of my life because with the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) I have problems putting my life events in order. So instead these will be short stories that reflect my live, not in any order just how they come to me as I am writing.
Many things happened in 1972 and I was one of them, or maybe I was only half of one of them. About the time that John Young & Charles Duke where exploring the Moon on the Apollo 16 mission I was born, along with my other half, my twin brother. I was born 14.5 minutes before my brother who was a breach birth, and I always thought I got out as fast as I did because he was kicking me in the head, to tell me to hurry up and stop procastanating and get out. After that I can only assume that things where pretty good for a while, you know flowers and cards, chocolates to help my mum return to a nice slim figure after the pregnancy, that sort of thing. I was born in Ballarat a town in the state of Victoria in Australia. It is a couple of hours out of Melbourne and its bloody cold. People say that the wind starts and stops in Ballarat.
I guess my first memories in life would have to be when I was about four or five, I mean I get glimpses of my life before that but not real memorable events that make me sit back and reminisce. Most of my early memories are of us living in Papua New Guniea (PNG) a country north of Australia. It is hot there, damn hot, six months of the year hot and dry and six months of the year hot and wet. Now the latter is how I like my woman but not the weather. It was hot but I liked it and unknown to myself at the time it would give me an insight in to other cultures as some of the anecdotes later will show you.
I'm a bit of a rebel, I always have been even as a child getting in to things and making my parent's life pretty tough
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Nothing here, Move along
Not much thas been happening latelt, I have ben having small seizures while I am sleeping (from adjusting neds) and am waking up feeling worse then when I went to bed. Bloss is menat to be going to a school thingy this evening but has fallen asleep on the couch, I dont know if I shoukld wake her or not, as she hasnt been sleeping to well lately.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Google did it
I was thinking about these implants and it came to my attention that maybe the borg are actually our very future selves being run by google technology. Resistance is futile, you will googlelated.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Goggle Shop future product release...
The other day google approached Bloss and I to discuss the use of modern technology in communication, it was during this conversation that we were asked to be part, of an alpha test of a future google store product called googllant short for google implant and should be ready for launch via the google store in April of 2010.
So we decided to get them once available based on our frequent bouts of amnesia. So for example the other day Bloss wanted to tell me a poem but couldn't remember the poem or any details of a book or author, as it was told to her.
So based on that we hypothesized that if we had implants in at the moment we could google for it. First though the technology would not store our thoughts at all but would only record sensory data such as touch, smell, taste, vision and auditory and allow indexing.
So back to the hypothetical, Bloss knew the following,
So we decided to get them once available based on our frequent bouts of amnesia. So for example the other day Bloss wanted to tell me a poem but couldn't remember the poem or any details of a book or author, as it was told to her.
So based on that we hypothesized that if we had implants in at the moment we could google for it. First though the technology would not store our thoughts at all but would only record sensory data such as touch, smell, taste, vision and auditory and allow indexing.
So back to the hypothetical, Bloss knew the following,
- It was a friend
- The friends name: Karen Smith
- It happened in 1982
- It was in Darwin NT Australia
- It happened at Casuarina Highschool
- It was during School making it a school event
- It was during a class that was boring
Bad night.
Last night I had one of the worst nights that I have had for quite some time, I was reading some stuff that had been posted on a canadian website about BPD from other people with BPD. All of a sudden I just felt scared and frightened, like a little kid. Not just fearful but really really scared. Then I went through a heap of emotional swings that really wrecked me.
After the fear I started to blame myself for things I have no control over and felt really really guilty, following that was anger at myself, I so wanted to self harm to use the pain as an escape from the roller coaster I was on, but I didnt as hard as it was. Then I broke down in tears and sobbed, like uncontrobble sobbing, the best way to explain the emotions I went through in less then 2 hours is to compare it to the death of a loved one, all the diffrent stages of the grieving process Guilt anger acceptance etc happend one after the other, Bang, Bang, Bang. No wonder I was wrecked.
A lot of people think of people with BPD as just people that get angry,as assholes that dont deserve to be loved by someone and we should all be locked up or in some cases I have even heard someone talking about how all people with mental illness shouls be killed sheez.. heaps of people in history and present where mentally Ill and some of our greatest artists are as well. What they dont realize is that the things that attracted someone to a BPD like companssion and caring, and our love are all the same as our anger, we become really passionate about something, If I love you then I really love you, do something small that hurts me then for those irrational few hours or days the anger kicks in.
I guess in some ways I am like a child, my brain doesnt think like an adults when it comes to emotional control. If your boss pulls you on something you know that you need the job to feed your family so you bite your lip, or argue your point constructivly, I dont I just lose it, then later I go through enourmous guilt for losing the job, and anger at myself. It sucks big time..
It is really lovely here today, I am outside enjoying the wind and sun as I type on the laptop listening to music. :)
Then when I went to bed about 0100 I couldnt sleep at all, thoughts rushing through my head, like a floodgate of emotion, so in the end I had to get up and watch TV, music and rain effects just didnt cut it in getting rid of/masking my thoughts so I took another Olanzapine and watched TV for a while before falling asleep.
Bloss woke me up this morning to take my meds, she is going to help me to develop a routine to take my meds I am so hopless with med compliance.
Anyway for regular readers of my blog here is a snippit from my book it is part of the introduction.
On that note Im going to go back to working on my book now so Ill leave you for now
Cheers :)
After the fear I started to blame myself for things I have no control over and felt really really guilty, following that was anger at myself, I so wanted to self harm to use the pain as an escape from the roller coaster I was on, but I didnt as hard as it was. Then I broke down in tears and sobbed, like uncontrobble sobbing, the best way to explain the emotions I went through in less then 2 hours is to compare it to the death of a loved one, all the diffrent stages of the grieving process Guilt anger acceptance etc happend one after the other, Bang, Bang, Bang. No wonder I was wrecked.
A lot of people think of people with BPD as just people that get angry,as assholes that dont deserve to be loved by someone and we should all be locked up or in some cases I have even heard someone talking about how all people with mental illness shouls be killed sheez.. heaps of people in history and present where mentally Ill and some of our greatest artists are as well. What they dont realize is that the things that attracted someone to a BPD like companssion and caring, and our love are all the same as our anger, we become really passionate about something, If I love you then I really love you, do something small that hurts me then for those irrational few hours or days the anger kicks in.
I guess in some ways I am like a child, my brain doesnt think like an adults when it comes to emotional control. If your boss pulls you on something you know that you need the job to feed your family so you bite your lip, or argue your point constructivly, I dont I just lose it, then later I go through enourmous guilt for losing the job, and anger at myself. It sucks big time..
It is really lovely here today, I am outside enjoying the wind and sun as I type on the laptop listening to music. :)
Then when I went to bed about 0100 I couldnt sleep at all, thoughts rushing through my head, like a floodgate of emotion, so in the end I had to get up and watch TV, music and rain effects just didnt cut it in getting rid of/masking my thoughts so I took another Olanzapine and watched TV for a while before falling asleep.
Bloss woke me up this morning to take my meds, she is going to help me to develop a routine to take my meds I am so hopless with med compliance.
Anyway for regular readers of my blog here is a snippit from my book it is part of the introduction.
On the border.
A black and white look at my life
with borderline personality disorder.
Many things happened in 1972 and I was one of them, or maybe I was only half of one of them. About the time that John Young & Charles Duke where exploring the Moon on the Apollo 16 mission I was born, along with my other half, my twin brother. I was born 14.5 minutes before my brother who was a breach birth, and I always thought I got out as fast as I did because he was kicking me in the head, to tell me to hurry up and stop procastanating and get out. After that I can only assume that things where pretty good for a while, you know flowers and cards, chocolates to help my mum return to a nice slim figure after the pregnancy, that sort of thing....A black and white look at my life
with borderline personality disorder.
On that note Im going to go back to working on my book now so Ill leave you for now
Cheers :)
Thursday, February 16, 2006
One, Two, Three, Floor
Last Sunday night I brought a bottle of Monte Alban Mezacl to celebrate Blossy's Birthday. It was her first venture in to Mexican spirits but she did well consuming to shots of 40% mezcal in about 4 minutes, it made her feel all nice and warm...
Been working.
Been hard at work today, working on some new poetry. Well hard means thinking a lot, thinking of words and feelings, thinking of those times in my life that make me feel emotional and then expressing them. As for my current projects, blogging aside, I am working on 3 poems and am also working on an autobiography with a working title named after this blog. Stay tuned same bat channel...
Mortal Sin.
As the day slips slowly by,
I feel colder now.
The sun is low, days end,
I sit and wonder how.
Warm tears flow upon my cheek,
The darkness closes in.
My body feels oh so weak,
Is love a mortal sin ?
My heart beats slower still,
The pillow wet with pain.
For I have lost the will,
Wonder if my lifes in vain.
Life is short, The moment long,
The feelings hurt me so.
Love is hard, is it wrong ?
I know not where to go.
My heart is torn within my chest,
Torn from love, From life.
Tired now I must rest,
Cry for one who will be my wife.
The love is tru, I know that well,
I cry myself to sleep.
Hiding now... inside my shell,
The world to see me weep.
The love I have will be there,
Even if alone we are.
True to you I will always care,
Admire form afar.
I feel colder now.
The sun is low, days end,
I sit and wonder how.
Warm tears flow upon my cheek,
The darkness closes in.
My body feels oh so weak,
Is love a mortal sin ?
My heart beats slower still,
The pillow wet with pain.
For I have lost the will,
Wonder if my lifes in vain.
Life is short, The moment long,
The feelings hurt me so.
Love is hard, is it wrong ?
I know not where to go.
My heart is torn within my chest,
Torn from love, From life.
Tired now I must rest,
Cry for one who will be my wife.
The love is tru, I know that well,
I cry myself to sleep.
Hiding now... inside my shell,
The world to see me weep.
The love I have will be there,
Even if alone we are.
True to you I will always care,
Admire form afar.
Damn Hot
Im sitting on the lounge with my laptop, it is 0130 and I am hot, the sweat is running off me yet today wasnt really a hot day, dont feel like sleeping, again . Oh well thats life.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
My Salvation
I recently brought a laptop on ebay instead of a PDA. I wanted something I could take with me and that could meet my demands which were not really that high and I like a big screen and real keyboard, for quick stuff I use my NGage smart phone.I want it to take to hospital and stuff so I can have music, movies, my diary (this blog and a private one) and just every the things I needed to cope in life.
Ok so what did I need it to do and what did I want it to do.
Need's
- Work, everything needed to work and it had to look tidy
- CD Rom
- Larger screen the better min 14.1"
- USB makes upgrades cheaper, like external harddrives
- Surf Net
- Email via Gmail
- Play Music
- VOIP single conversation no conference calls
- Blogging
- Word processing.
Wants
- xVID
- CD Burning
- Games
- LAN
- Modem
- DVD
So for a grand total of less then AU$300 I have a laptop that I can do the following with.
- Email with Gmail
- Net Surfing
- Music
- Audio with Bluetooth
- 14.1 screen
- The battery holds charge
- Blogging
- VOIP
Now my list of essential software
Im running the following on Windows 2000 as it is similar to XP and stable and is lighter for my older laptop.
- WIN 2K (commercial with licence)
- Gmail for my email (free)
- Google Desktop Side Bar(free)
- Google talk for VOIP (free)
- STP a really light and powerful MP3 player (free)
- HTTrack to cache webcont for offline browsing (free)
- Atmosphere Lite to play bird and water noises to help me sleep (free)
- w.blogger for offline blogging (free)
- Mozilla Firefox for browsing (free)
- Hot Keyboard and sound control to get my hotkeys working (free)
- xVID for movies (free)
Current Specs.
Computer Type: LapTop
Make: Compaq
Model: Armada 1700 6300/T/5000/D/M/3
CPU: Single Intel Pentium(r) II; 300 MHz
Hard Disk Drive: IBM 3.2 GB; EIDE
Video Adapter: Chips and Technology, Inc. C&T 65555
Floppy Type 120 MB Superdrive
OnboardD RAM: 32 MB
1st RAM slot: 128 MB
Total RAM: 160 MB
Screen: 14.1" 1024 x 768
Network: Roamabout 80211.b wireless
Audio: Bluetooth Audio with Motorola Headset
OS: Windows 2000 SP3
Browser: Mozilla Firefox
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Ohhhhhhh.....
I saw this video and in the first 30 seconds I thought "I would sell an organ for one of these, maybe even one testicle." Then as I watched some more I thought "WOW Minority Report," actually I didnt think I was vocal by then, and then as I saw how this is going to change the world of computing as we know it I died and went to geek heaven. If you like computers and use them in anyway at all then the future is at hand.....
Monday, February 13, 2006
Memory in remission
I've been thinking a lot lately and not so much about the current state of affairs, although some of the things I have done as a result of those thoughts have changed the way I think of things today.
I thought of some time I spent as a teenager with my Grandfather (Opa as he is dutch). When I was about 13 Opa built my brother and I bikes for christmas. They where 10 speed racers and he stripped them down to the frame and sanded, repainted, decaled, replaced, repaired, overhauled and just plain poured his heart in to those bikes. I would go over and help him on the weekend and after school.
At the time kids at my school teased us over them as we hadn't got "new" bikes for christmas, well during my time thinking I realized just how much the time I spent with Opa meant to me and how much it must have meant to him, but not once had I ever told him how much I appreciated that time together. Now Opa is still alive as is Oma (my Grandmother) but she is very unwell as she has dementia and requires constant care from Opa now, but he has the attitude that he married for life and there is no way he is going to leave her now, he was there for the good and hell be there for the bad.
...Anyway where was I ? ahh yep the time I spent with Opa building bikes, I really appreciated it and it meant a lot to me, so I was thinking about it and it struck me if it is making me feel good thinking about it and helping me forget the harder things in life then it might be good for him, so I rang him, and it did.
I could hear it in his voice it did mean a lot to him. I was a bit worried about ringing him at first as he is getting older and his english is not very good (and I don't speak dutch) and I thought he may not follow what I was on about, but he did and I made his day. I told him how I had been thinking about the bikes and how the other kids teased us, but although at the time I didn't say thankyou, well not with heart and conviction, that the time together really did mean a lot. He said to me "Thankyou, Its never to late, is it !" and he was right it is never to late, and it made me think of something else, you cant take your family for granted. But that's a subject for another post.
I thought of some time I spent as a teenager with my Grandfather (Opa as he is dutch). When I was about 13 Opa built my brother and I bikes for christmas. They where 10 speed racers and he stripped them down to the frame and sanded, repainted, decaled, replaced, repaired, overhauled and just plain poured his heart in to those bikes. I would go over and help him on the weekend and after school.
At the time kids at my school teased us over them as we hadn't got "new" bikes for christmas, well during my time thinking I realized just how much the time I spent with Opa meant to me and how much it must have meant to him, but not once had I ever told him how much I appreciated that time together. Now Opa is still alive as is Oma (my Grandmother) but she is very unwell as she has dementia and requires constant care from Opa now, but he has the attitude that he married for life and there is no way he is going to leave her now, he was there for the good and hell be there for the bad.
...Anyway where was I ? ahh yep the time I spent with Opa building bikes, I really appreciated it and it meant a lot to me, so I was thinking about it and it struck me if it is making me feel good thinking about it and helping me forget the harder things in life then it might be good for him, so I rang him, and it did.
I could hear it in his voice it did mean a lot to him. I was a bit worried about ringing him at first as he is getting older and his english is not very good (and I don't speak dutch) and I thought he may not follow what I was on about, but he did and I made his day. I told him how I had been thinking about the bikes and how the other kids teased us, but although at the time I didn't say thankyou, well not with heart and conviction, that the time together really did mean a lot. He said to me "Thankyou, Its never to late, is it !" and he was right it is never to late, and it made me think of something else, you cant take your family for granted. But that's a subject for another post.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Round, Round, Round....
As I was walking through the narrow gap behind the chair Brodie was sitting on he stood up and ran in to me, not on purpose but it caused my back to pop out at L4 (I had a motorcycle accident 12 years or so ago and injured it pretty bad) . It popped back in but has streched muscles and ligaments so i am in pain at the moment so not much blogging tonight Im afraid.
Digital Divide
I was asked by my psych the other day as to why my relationship (read friendship) with Bloss had survived for so long when other friendships and romantic relationships have failed, at the time I didnt really have an answer to that question. Well after some serious thought on the subject I have come up with the following.
(smoke break).....
So thats maybe some of the reasons why Bloss and I get on so well or not, I guess I will never really know the underlying reason, but I know I see Bloss as my best friend and know she will be there for me and me for her.
- We both don't like to talk much about our problems and bottle them up inside
- We both like technology and use it in oour day to day lives to aid in our lack of verbal communication.
- If we need to go and "hide" from life for awhile we respect that and leave each other alone.
- If one of us needs to talk we know that regardless of the time of day we can pick up the phone, email, IM or if all that fails I could, might, maybe, wont go in to actually talk face to face...
- Bloss understands why I cant work full time in a "regular" job and like me sees volunteer work as important. She also see's the work I do online as functional and meaningful not just a waste of time.
- Maybe it is that "Mother Thing" you know how they say males are attracted to people that remind them of mum (mom for my American friends..You know who you are.) as my mum also has P (for a definition of P see STDarnI )
(smoke break).....
So thats maybe some of the reasons why Bloss and I get on so well or not, I guess I will never really know the underlying reason, but I know I see Bloss as my best friend and know she will be there for me and me for her.
42...
Life the universe and everything.. Some say the answer is 42, that all mighty powerful number, I think it is music, it makes us feel happy, sad, lonely, in love and just about any other emotion you can poke a pointy stick at. Im listening to R&B and Blues at the moment and ir helps to make me feel better knowing that there are others out there with pain in their hearts and souls.
Music is such a powerful medium but if you take it a step back and deal with words alone you end up with poetry or prose. I love to write and over the coming few weeks I will post some of my work here. Some of it is moving, some streches the boundary. All of it is my own work, a snapshot of my life in words. The only time I really write poetry is when I am sick, it seems to open the floodgates and out it comes.
Music is such a powerful medium but if you take it a step back and deal with words alone you end up with poetry or prose. I love to write and over the coming few weeks I will post some of my work here. Some of it is moving, some streches the boundary. All of it is my own work, a snapshot of my life in words. The only time I really write poetry is when I am sick, it seems to open the floodgates and out it comes.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Insomniacs don't bang your head against the wall..
Bang your head to some music instead...
I couldn't sleep the other night, well actually I have been having problems sleeping a lot lately. I hate taking meds at the best of times so I try to avoid the ones that I don't need to function like pain killers and sleeping tablets if I can. So on that premise I went looking for some other ways to fall asleep. I came across using white noise to fall asleep so I went hunting for some software that I could use. I came across one called Atmosphere Lite from Relaxing software . It lets you start with a base background sound like wind, rain or waves and then add random sounds of birds and other stuff over the top. It seems to be helping so Ill let you know over the next few weeks how it is working for me.
The other thing that I like to do is listen to music so I went hunting for sites where I could download free LEGAL mp3's. I was working on the assumption that there has to be good music that appeals to me that doesn't come from the HIgh Profile American Marketing Machines (HIPAMM) and after a few hours hunting around I found two sites that appealed to me.
The first is epitonic.com and seems pretty good and the second one is Garageband which after a bit of poking around comes out on top with its ease of use. As for the music ? Not bad, not bad at all. Some of the stuff is not to my taste, even though I am eclectic in my audio taste some things just grind me the wrong way. Especially those ones filed under the genre of "Noise." Need I say more !
Putting those songs aside as you find them in little dark record stores the open on to dark foreboding alleys as well as online some of the stuff is really good and is opening up the range of music I listen to. Who knows maybe one day some of these artists will be mainstream and I will be able to say "Hey I was listening to them x years ago."
Just listening to the news One million dollars is to be injected in to mental health in Australia to increase doctors and the like (about fucken time the politician got of their ass.)
I couldn't sleep the other night, well actually I have been having problems sleeping a lot lately. I hate taking meds at the best of times so I try to avoid the ones that I don't need to function like pain killers and sleeping tablets if I can. So on that premise I went looking for some other ways to fall asleep. I came across using white noise to fall asleep so I went hunting for some software that I could use. I came across one called Atmosphere Lite from Relaxing software . It lets you start with a base background sound like wind, rain or waves and then add random sounds of birds and other stuff over the top. It seems to be helping so Ill let you know over the next few weeks how it is working for me.
The other thing that I like to do is listen to music so I went hunting for sites where I could download free LEGAL mp3's. I was working on the assumption that there has to be good music that appeals to me that doesn't come from the HIgh Profile American Marketing Machines (HIPAMM) and after a few hours hunting around I found two sites that appealed to me.
The first is epitonic.com and seems pretty good and the second one is Garageband which after a bit of poking around comes out on top with its ease of use. As for the music ? Not bad, not bad at all. Some of the stuff is not to my taste, even though I am eclectic in my audio taste some things just grind me the wrong way. Especially those ones filed under the genre of "Noise." Need I say more !
Putting those songs aside as you find them in little dark record stores the open on to dark foreboding alleys as well as online some of the stuff is really good and is opening up the range of music I listen to. Who knows maybe one day some of these artists will be mainstream and I will be able to say "Hey I was listening to them x years ago."
Just listening to the news One million dollars is to be injected in to mental health in Australia to increase doctors and the like (about fucken time the politician got of their ass.)
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Psych review over..
Went and saw the Psych doc at the hospital yesterday afternoon and he was really goog, I ended up taking my laptop with me and he did take the time to read my blog. He said that it was obvious that I wasnt stupid and that keeping this blog was a good idea and that I should use it as a tool in my ongoing mission to get through BPD.
He also told me that the drug Olanzapine is good for the control of anger short term and that I should carry some with me at all times and if a friend or loved one that knows me says "Hey Mark calm down a bit.." or something similar that I shouldnt argue with them but should take one and go and chill for a while. So when I got home I put some olanzapine wafers in my wallet so that I will have them with me. I seem to carry more prescription drugs in my wallet then money, I also have tablets to stop me from throwing up when my balance is playing up.
He was telling me that some of the BPD episodes may be related to my epilepsy firing in parts of the brain that control emotion etc so it may not just be a psych disorder in me but epilepsy related as well.
One thing he did say that made me think of BPD in a diffrent light was some of the statistics relating to BPD. For instance the mortality rate (sucessful suicide) is up around the 10-15% mark. Now this might not sound like much but when you compare it to breast cancer with a mortality rate of around 2% you realize it is a pretty high number. Now if only they would spend the same time and money on research in to treatment for it as they do for breast cancer.
How Many People Have Borderline Personality Disorder? (emaxhealth)
It is estimated to affect two to three percent of the general population, ten percent of patients seen in outpatient clinics and as many as twenty percent of hospitalized psychiatric patients. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts. There is a ten percent mortality rate in people with this disorder (i.e., suicide). BPD worsens the outcome and complicates the treatment of any other disorder such as Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Eating Disorders, and Substance Abuse Disorder. BPD is difficult to diagnose and is often misdiagnosed as Depression, Bipolar Disorder or Anti-social Personality Disorder. As a consequence, persons with BPD are difficult to treat and often frustrate clinicians.
(Kids are fighting again.... blah blah blah.... bitch, bitch, bitch and one is in the bathroom and they are yelling through the door at each other)
He also told me that the drug Olanzapine is good for the control of anger short term and that I should carry some with me at all times and if a friend or loved one that knows me says "Hey Mark calm down a bit.." or something similar that I shouldnt argue with them but should take one and go and chill for a while. So when I got home I put some olanzapine wafers in my wallet so that I will have them with me. I seem to carry more prescription drugs in my wallet then money, I also have tablets to stop me from throwing up when my balance is playing up.
He was telling me that some of the BPD episodes may be related to my epilepsy firing in parts of the brain that control emotion etc so it may not just be a psych disorder in me but epilepsy related as well.
One thing he did say that made me think of BPD in a diffrent light was some of the statistics relating to BPD. For instance the mortality rate (sucessful suicide) is up around the 10-15% mark. Now this might not sound like much but when you compare it to breast cancer with a mortality rate of around 2% you realize it is a pretty high number. Now if only they would spend the same time and money on research in to treatment for it as they do for breast cancer.
How Many People Have Borderline Personality Disorder? (emaxhealth)
It is estimated to affect two to three percent of the general population, ten percent of patients seen in outpatient clinics and as many as twenty percent of hospitalized psychiatric patients. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts. There is a ten percent mortality rate in people with this disorder (i.e., suicide). BPD worsens the outcome and complicates the treatment of any other disorder such as Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder, Eating Disorders, and Substance Abuse Disorder. BPD is difficult to diagnose and is often misdiagnosed as Depression, Bipolar Disorder or Anti-social Personality Disorder. As a consequence, persons with BPD are difficult to treat and often frustrate clinicians.
(Kids are fighting again.... blah blah blah.... bitch, bitch, bitch and one is in the bathroom and they are yelling through the door at each other)
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Lifes a bitch
Man I feel like shit, depressed a bit, still got that empty hollow feeling I was talking about. Earlier I was suffering what I refer to as sensory overload, I get to the point sometimes where I feel like everything is building up, things touching me feel painful especially movement, I become intolerant of noise and light. So I went and hid in my room layed naked in my bed with the curtains closed and an old mistral fan I have on high so that the noise of the fan blocks out the kids fighting, still told them to can it a couple of times.... I hate this feeling. It has got to the point now where I am feeling sick to my stomach as well.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
That tangled web we weave (spoiler Suicide discussion)
Relationships, I suck at them I have ruined every good thing I have had as far as loving relationships go, I have torn down the people that I was supposed to love, to look after and support.
In my last relationship I had everything handed to me on a platter, all I had to do was take my meds, go to counseling and I fucked it up, I alienated my partner and made her not only hate me but fear me, To look back and see the fear in her eyes when I was sick makes me want to take a gun and blow my brains out so that I never have to see pain like that on someone's face again knowing that it was me that caused it. Im not going to kill myself, well I cant catergorically say that as I do have BPD, what I mean is that at this point in time I have the thoughts POP in to my head but I am able to control them and don't want to go and do it. But at other times I know that suicide is wrong, I love life when I am well, but when Im not well I self harm, try to kill myself.
My Dad once said that In my most serious attempt to date of seven attempts (Gassing in a car) that I didn't really want to die as I had parked the car in the bush not far from a road and then turned the hazard lights on. I don't remember this but I do know it was an older car and didn't have a hazard light switch. I honestly belief that I fell forward on the steering wheel and knocked the turn signal on. I guess I will never know as I was clinically dead at that stage, or so I have been told by the staff at the hospital who along with the ambulance staff had to revive me more then once.
Gassing is bad, the CO gets in to the blood, binds chemically with the iron in the hemoglobin and inhibits the ability for the hemoglobin to bind with Oxygen, so no matter how much O2 they pump into you it doesn't actually do much, I was in a coma for 8 days and then in ICU/Special Care for nearly 3 weeks, the pain in my muscles and chest was unreal, I had to learn to walk again from the atrophy (wasting away) in my muscles.
In my last relationship I had everything handed to me on a platter, all I had to do was take my meds, go to counseling and I fucked it up, I alienated my partner and made her not only hate me but fear me, To look back and see the fear in her eyes when I was sick makes me want to take a gun and blow my brains out so that I never have to see pain like that on someone's face again knowing that it was me that caused it. Im not going to kill myself, well I cant catergorically say that as I do have BPD, what I mean is that at this point in time I have the thoughts POP in to my head but I am able to control them and don't want to go and do it. But at other times I know that suicide is wrong, I love life when I am well, but when Im not well I self harm, try to kill myself.
My Dad once said that In my most serious attempt to date of seven attempts (Gassing in a car) that I didn't really want to die as I had parked the car in the bush not far from a road and then turned the hazard lights on. I don't remember this but I do know it was an older car and didn't have a hazard light switch. I honestly belief that I fell forward on the steering wheel and knocked the turn signal on. I guess I will never know as I was clinically dead at that stage, or so I have been told by the staff at the hospital who along with the ambulance staff had to revive me more then once.
Gassing is bad, the CO gets in to the blood, binds chemically with the iron in the hemoglobin and inhibits the ability for the hemoglobin to bind with Oxygen, so no matter how much O2 they pump into you it doesn't actually do much, I was in a coma for 8 days and then in ICU/Special Care for nearly 3 weeks, the pain in my muscles and chest was unreal, I had to learn to walk again from the atrophy (wasting away) in my muscles.
That house of cards
A change is as good as a holiday. Well for most people it is but at the end of my day I think I have realized that a change isn't that good.
Routine, Routine, Routine... Almost as good as Location, Location, Location.. "So Sir, Would you like to buy this lovely outdoor deck located on the Sydney harbour bridge ? The view is great.."
Well when it comes to borderline it is, that's routine, not buying a bridge or so they say over at borderlinepersonality.ca anyway here is a bit from the page
"Learning to implement structure into your thoughts, actions and words is the bridge that those with BPD must cross in order to relate to others in healthy and meaningful ways in their adult lives. Ways that build instead of ways that tear down." (A.J. Mahari, August 9, 2001)
It is a good read made me sit back and have a think for a few seconds, so if your interested head over there and have a look.
Aghh those bloody flies are buzzing around, killed 4 in the last couple of minutes.
Man I feel so I don't know.... Vague, lost, empty, hollow cant the right word to describe the feeling I have, it is sort of this hollow empty feeling that started in the pit of my stomach a few minutes ago and then proceeded to jump up in to my head and rip my soul out and shit all over it. Sort of reminds me of the "Simpsons" episode where Bart sells his soul to millhouse and then the automatic doors at the quickiemart wont open.
Maybe I should ask my Phych tommorow if they have Internet and send them to this blog to read about me, I hate talking about it so this might be better, or I could just cache the site to the laptop and take it with me ? anyway where was I... Ahh thats right Routine.
Maybe I need to change my routine, set up a schedule for me to follow during the day, Map out my life but it all seems like to much hard work, I like being varied sometimes, it opens up my life experiances. It makes me feel more complete to be able to understand something. I may not be able to debate a topic well enough to convert someone or even be able to explain a concept that I understand, but that isnt what this is about, it is about me understanding it, if you want to read it your self, you may need more/less background to understand the same topic. My aim is to intrest people in something and create a drive for them to follow it up themselves not to educate them.
So much for routine, the way this post jumps around even I have trouble following it....
SIgh A bloody NORA
Routine, Routine, Routine... Almost as good as Location, Location, Location.. "So Sir, Would you like to buy this lovely outdoor deck located on the Sydney harbour bridge ? The view is great.."
Well when it comes to borderline it is, that's routine, not buying a bridge or so they say over at borderlinepersonality.ca anyway here is a bit from the page
"Learning to implement structure into your thoughts, actions and words is the bridge that those with BPD must cross in order to relate to others in healthy and meaningful ways in their adult lives. Ways that build instead of ways that tear down." (A.J. Mahari, August 9, 2001)
It is a good read made me sit back and have a think for a few seconds, so if your interested head over there and have a look.
Aghh those bloody flies are buzzing around, killed 4 in the last couple of minutes.
Man I feel so I don't know.... Vague, lost, empty, hollow cant the right word to describe the feeling I have, it is sort of this hollow empty feeling that started in the pit of my stomach a few minutes ago and then proceeded to jump up in to my head and rip my soul out and shit all over it. Sort of reminds me of the "Simpsons" episode where Bart sells his soul to millhouse and then the automatic doors at the quickiemart wont open.
Maybe I should ask my Phych tommorow if they have Internet and send them to this blog to read about me, I hate talking about it so this might be better, or I could just cache the site to the laptop and take it with me ? anyway where was I... Ahh thats right Routine.
Maybe I need to change my routine, set up a schedule for me to follow during the day, Map out my life but it all seems like to much hard work, I like being varied sometimes, it opens up my life experiances. It makes me feel more complete to be able to understand something. I may not be able to debate a topic well enough to convert someone or even be able to explain a concept that I understand, but that isnt what this is about, it is about me understanding it, if you want to read it your self, you may need more/less background to understand the same topic. My aim is to intrest people in something and create a drive for them to follow it up themselves not to educate them.
So much for routine, the way this post jumps around even I have trouble following it....
SIgh A bloody NORA
Monday, February 06, 2006
Pop goes the weasel !!
Taking pills, and I dont mean anything brought from a sleazy looking man wearing cargo pants and a beanie at some late/all night rave with kids dying from speed induced dehydration pills, i mean men in white coats and PHds on the walls and dusty books on the shelves with pictures of their kids on the desk next to the prescription pad pills.
Well I have a real problem taking them, not because I dont want to take them, Its just that I forget or I feel good as far as the BPD goes so i stop. They make me feel tired, they make me feel sick sometimes and they sure as hell stop me from getting it up maybe I need one of these :( so go figure why I end up not taking them.
Anyway here is some info on people with BPD and medication issues
Psychotropic medication may be useful for individuals with BPD depending on presenting symptoms. However, over time, medication often proves less than helpful as personality issues confound the medication issues. Problems in medicating BPD include non-compliance, demands for frequent changes in the dose or type of medication, overdosing, and failure to accurately report change, e.g., reporting feeling worse when apparently doing better (Sperry, 1995, p. 75).
The BPD propensity for alcohol and drug abuse and addictive behavior is also a concern in using medication. Alcohol and others drugs can potentiate prescribed medication and heighten chances for an accidental overdose. Or individuals with BPD may decide to use prescribed medications in combination with alcohol and other drugs to attempt suicide (Layden, 1993, pp. 111-112).
Well I have a real problem taking them, not because I dont want to take them, Its just that I forget or I feel good as far as the BPD goes so i stop. They make me feel tired, they make me feel sick sometimes and they sure as hell stop me from getting it up maybe I need one of these :( so go figure why I end up not taking them.
Anyway here is some info on people with BPD and medication issues
Psychotropic medication may be useful for individuals with BPD depending on presenting symptoms. However, over time, medication often proves less than helpful as personality issues confound the medication issues. Problems in medicating BPD include non-compliance, demands for frequent changes in the dose or type of medication, overdosing, and failure to accurately report change, e.g., reporting feeling worse when apparently doing better (Sperry, 1995, p. 75).
The BPD propensity for alcohol and drug abuse and addictive behavior is also a concern in using medication. Alcohol and others drugs can potentiate prescribed medication and heighten chances for an accidental overdose. Or individuals with BPD may decide to use prescribed medications in combination with alcohol and other drugs to attempt suicide (Layden, 1993, pp. 111-112).
From the cereal box to the coffin
It really pisses me off the number of people that appear to have recieved a drivers licence from a cereal box, today I was going along a road with a speed limit of 1oo kilometers an hour about 60 miles an hour and I was taking it easy and just crusing along at 80 clicks. It was an open dual lane road with ample space to overtake so I wasnt holding anyone up.
Amazinly the number of people that overtook me that would fly up at 100 get right on my ass then shoot out around me with no indication from the turn signals. The ones that did use thier turn signals would do so after they had started to move out around me, and it wasnt like they needed to get around to beat an oncoming car as the traffic coming the other way was really low read 2 cars on the whole trip but such is life all I can do is hope that they dont kill me or my loved ones when they take themselves out.
Cool site to kill time
I cant sleep so im laying in bed on the laptop, its 0256 or it least I think it is as I removed all signs of conventional clocks in my room and on my laptop and have immersed myself with binary digital clocks (wikipedia) nothing like learning something by immersion.. the binary wrist watch (thinkgeek) is next.
Anyway enough of my mindless ravings I found this cool site to kill a bit of time www.glassgiant.com and I made a few things as well.. I was to cold to do it my self on the gimp (Laptop is only a PII 300 with 3 gig hdd and 64mb ram running win 2k pro "Hey it only cost me AU$160 so shut the fuck up and pull your head in") and it was to cold to go to the desktop so lets use online tools. :)
Anyway enough of my mindless ravings I found this cool site to kill a bit of time www.glassgiant.com and I made a few things as well.. I was to cold to do it my self on the gimp (Laptop is only a PII 300 with 3 gig hdd and 64mb ram running win 2k pro "Hey it only cost me AU$160 so shut the fuck up and pull your head in") and it was to cold to go to the desktop so lets use online tools. :)But on the subject of the gimp I did a self portrait the other day and I may as well post that as well while I am awake so here it is. Click on the image to see it full size
I know it isn't the best has some compression artifact's etc but it is my first attempt at something like this so I see it as a learning experience and I like it.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
"Just a Geek" and his blog
Okay I am a bit of a "Geek" and as I told my nephew yesterday "Its cool to be a Geek these days" as he gives me that yeah right look, and it is so I am proud to be one, well the other thing that really got my attention yesterday is the blog WWdn:in exile.
It is the blog of Wil Wheaton (wikipedia) who played Wesley Crusher in Startrek, and it is really friggin good, like blew me away good. I was so wrapped up in it that I spent over seven hours reading through the archives and having a good look around and that took me through until 02:30. At that point my eyes where to tired to keep reading my laptop screen so I layed back in bed and listened to Radio Free Burrito which is Wil's podcast.
Then today when I woke up I was back at WWdn:ix and was just hooked again, it is now midnightish and I have spent the better part of the day browsing both Wils stuff and stuff he reccomends from music to books, all fucken A. (his blog actually motivated me to start this one thnx Wil)
His postings have made me have a good look around and motivated me to go and buy his book "Just a Geek" and I haven't even read an excerpt yet.
See this is the BPD I get hooked on something and read/research it until I am suffering brain overload read goo coming out of my ears, like this post has taken me over an hour so far because as I cruise around to get the links to put in I get distracted by the content and end up reading some more.
So if your a "Geek" or just didnt subscibe to alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die (Google archive) then his blog and podcast and I venture to say books (as i havent read them yet) look really good.
It is the blog of Wil Wheaton (wikipedia) who played Wesley Crusher in Startrek, and it is really friggin good, like blew me away good. I was so wrapped up in it that I spent over seven hours reading through the archives and having a good look around and that took me through until 02:30. At that point my eyes where to tired to keep reading my laptop screen so I layed back in bed and listened to Radio Free Burrito which is Wil's podcast.
Then today when I woke up I was back at WWdn:ix and was just hooked again, it is now midnightish and I have spent the better part of the day browsing both Wils stuff and stuff he reccomends from music to books, all fucken A. (his blog actually motivated me to start this one thnx Wil)
His postings have made me have a good look around and motivated me to go and buy his book "Just a Geek" and I haven't even read an excerpt yet.
See this is the BPD I get hooked on something and read/research it until I am suffering brain overload read goo coming out of my ears, like this post has taken me over an hour so far because as I cruise around to get the links to put in I get distracted by the content and end up reading some more.
So if your a "Geek" or just didnt subscibe to alt.wesley.crusher.die.die.die (Google archive) then his blog and podcast and I venture to say books (as i havent read them yet) look really good.
Welcome to On the border
Where to start, I guess with a warning.. (cue dark seedy music)
Borderline by its very definition (Wikipedia) makes me go through all sorts of weird thoughts and moods which often results in me splitting or seeing the world in black and white.
For example say I had just spent the last 3 weeks working my ass of to meet a deadline at work and finally managed to pull it off, most people at the office think that my project is pretty good and give me praise for the "job well done."
Then some asswipe form accounting who has no idea of what it is I have really just done thinks that something doesn't look right in the reports presentation (forget the content he doesn't understand it) and tells me so. Mannnn... look out I "forget" all about the good comments and praise that the other 50+ people have given me and am now centered on that little asswipes comments.
Not am I only centered on his comments I want to kill him, to string him up by his balls and kill the fucker. "Why ?" Who knows ? I don't, I just "spilt" and that's it all rational prospective goes out the window.
Now this will most likely add some interest to my blog as well as the fact that as I get bored with something very quickly I swap and change around a lot so be forewarned that the subject material may be disjointed and seem to jump around, this is normal for me and is part of my live. So if you want to understand about BPD keep reading...
Borderline by its very definition (Wikipedia) makes me go through all sorts of weird thoughts and moods which often results in me splitting or seeing the world in black and white.
For example say I had just spent the last 3 weeks working my ass of to meet a deadline at work and finally managed to pull it off, most people at the office think that my project is pretty good and give me praise for the "job well done."
Then some asswipe form accounting who has no idea of what it is I have really just done thinks that something doesn't look right in the reports presentation (forget the content he doesn't understand it) and tells me so. Mannnn... look out I "forget" all about the good comments and praise that the other 50+ people have given me and am now centered on that little asswipes comments.
Not am I only centered on his comments I want to kill him, to string him up by his balls and kill the fucker. "Why ?" Who knows ? I don't, I just "spilt" and that's it all rational prospective goes out the window.
Now this will most likely add some interest to my blog as well as the fact that as I get bored with something very quickly I swap and change around a lot so be forewarned that the subject material may be disjointed and seem to jump around, this is normal for me and is part of my live. So if you want to understand about BPD keep reading...
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